Subject: Crowmeowme MSTing #4 From: "Christopher R. Willard" OK, here comes my last MSTing. After this, I'm retired. I'm having Gold Astro Ranger send this to the various archives, since his 'Net access would take at least 100 posts to the newsgroups, within the last half hour before the first airing of MST3K Episode 901, so this will truly be... The Last MSTing of Season 8 or A Power Rangers Duet MSTed by rowark (Send all comments to Gold Astro Ranger (cwilla01@mail.win.org) and he will forward them to me.) SFC Announcer: You are watching The Sci-Fi Channel. [8th Season Opening] [Door Sequence] [Bridge] (Mike and the Bots are looking at a TV. There are several dozen videotapes all over the table. Above the door is a rolled-up banner, made of yellow paper. The sound from the TV indicates Power Rangers. Crow is too mesmerized by something on the TV to speak.) ANNOUNCER ON TV: To be continued Next Season. Power Rangers In Space. MIKE: Well, guys, we've watched the entire run of Power Rangers, from Day of the Dumpster to Chase Into Space, Part II... SERVO: Plus both movies. MIKE: ...and both movies, three times. (To Cambot) Oh Hi, the bots and I have taken a vote to decide who is the best Power Ranger ever. (Brings up ballots from under the table.) All that's left is to let Gypsy calculate the results. (Gypsy enters, Mike puts the ballot in her mouth. Gypsy's eye blinks on and off as Commercial sign light flashes.) MIKE: We'll be right back. [MST3K Logo] [Commercials for the start of season 9] [Bridge] MIKE: Crow, snap out of it, Gypsy's almost done. CROW: (as if coming out of a trance) Oh, sorry Mike, I was too busy watching Ashley to notice. GYPSY: Here are the results, Mike. MIKE: Thanks, Gyps. (Gypsy leaves. SERVO makes drum-roll noises) MIKE: And the winner of the SOL Best Power Ranger Ever contest is... by unanimous vote... Ashley, the current Yellow Ranger. SERVO: Big surprise there. She's all we could talk about since the second time we watched I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger. (The banner unrolls. It says "Hurrah for Ashley!") (Mad's light flashes) CROW: Uh-oh, Elgar, Rygog, and Porto are calling. [Winged Minibus O' Doom] PEARL: My, how your tastes change. Was it not just a week ago you were drooling over Katherine? [SOL] MIKE: Times change, Pearl. SERVO: And so can people... [WMOD] BOBO: The Lawgiver. Change. (starts to laugh) What do you think, Brainy? OBSERVER: (laughing) Indeed, Bobo. She'll never change. (Pearl shoots pistol) BOBO & OBSERVER: See what we mean. PEARL: Anyway, this week, it's a return engagement from Turbo Ranger Prime, with one short and one long tale. Your dream ranger may or may not be in them, not that I care. Enjoy! [SOL] [Movie sign] ALL: We've got Ranger fanfic sign!!! [Door sequence] [ALL enter theater] > Power Rangers > featuring ALL: Ashley! Ashley! Ashley! > The Crowmeowme Brothers MIKE: Oh, them. > in > Cousin Bart SERVO: Dear gods, they're multiplying. > by > Turbo Ranger Prime > >Disclaimer: All characters, with the exception of CROW: Ashley are total losers. SERVO: Ashley is a goddess. MIKE: Ashley is perfect in every way. >the male members of the Crowmeowme Family, are ALL: Not Ashley! >the property of Saban Entertainment. CROW: Also known as Satan Entertainment. >The Crowmeowme Family, except MIKE: Their driver, Charles. >those who married into the family CROW: That would be the second and third place Rangers in our vote. MIKE: How'd you know that? SERVO: He slipped Gypsy a tape of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea episodes and she sang like a canary. MIKE: Crow, you used her obsession with Richard Basehart to your own advantage. I wish I'd thought of it. >are my creations. > >Note: This story starts at the party SERVO: Toga! Toga! Toga! >mentioned in my version of "Passing the Torch" MIKE: That still gives my nightmares. >and ends with "Chase Into Space" CROW: Somebody chase Ashley into space, right towards us. Please. >part 2. ALL: Electric Boogaloo. > > The GoodBye/Hello ALL: [singing] You say good-bye, and I say hello. >Party was in full swing CROW: And running on empty. >at the Crowmeowme Estate in Angel Heights, the exclusive, upscale >neighborhood SERVO: Mr Rogers' Neighborhood? >just outside Angel Grove proper. Bob, Kat and Alfred's belongings were >all packed for the flight MIKE: Of the Navigator. >to England. Old and new Rangers were mingling and eating MIKE: Each other! SERVO: Oh, it must be a Donner party. >the sumptuous feast prepared by Brian. CROW: There were way too many cases of food poisoning that night. >Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >was passing by the front door when the bell rang. SERVO: (as Lurch) You Rang? >"I'll get it, I'm ALL: (dreamily) Perfect in every way! (ALL sigh happily.) >closest," said the newly empowered Yellow Ranger. CROW: Newly empowered and well-endowed. SERVO: Amen, brother bot. MIKE: Knock it off you two. SERVO: Mike, you said so yourself while we were watching "Stitch Witchery". CROW: For like the billionth time. >Ashley opened the door and saw a rather handsome young man standing there. MIKE: Gee, I didn't know I was in this story. (Bots Groan) >He looked like Brian and Bob, but CROW: More un-Earthly. >younger. He was dressed in SERVO: Fur, from his head to his foot. >a strange silver outfit. MIKE: Might be shark-skin. >Finally, he spoke: CROW: You are the most beautiful woman in the universe. I must take you to a distant Satellite where a human and two robots are trapped. >"I'm looking for my cousins, SERVO: Larry, Darrell and Darrell. >Morphos and Multus. I am MIKE: Oz, the Great and Powerful. >called Micron." Bob then passed SERVO: A gallstone. >by, "Micron? By the CROW: Power of Greyskull! >Lords of our homeworld, MIKE: Ah, the nameless homeworld. >what are you doing here, young cousin?" SERVO: He can't be too young, seeing that Brian and Bob have been on Earth for fifteen millennia. >Micron embraced CROW: A statue, thinking it was Bob. >his cousin Multus (Bob) and said, MIKE: Bah Weep Granah Weep Nini Bon! >"It is something CROW: So Right. >I must tell you and Morphos together." SERVO: It concerns you aluminium siding. >"I understand," said Bob, "and we have Earth names now. MIKE: Bubba and Jethro. >I am called Bob and Morphos is CROW: Dead, killed by some kid named Justin. >called Brian." Micron replied, "Then I shall try to SERVO: (as Micron) Make my name seem inconspicuous. >find an Earth name as well." MIKE: You know, Micron is close to Mike. SERVO: You just want to be in the story, huh Nelson? > > Bob went and got CROW: Himself tarred and feathered. >Brian and took him into the den. SERVO: They were crushed under the wood paneling as it fell off the walls. >"Micron!" Brian was excited to see his MIKE: Wallet, which he had left in the den. >young cousin, "What in the name of ALL: (singing) John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt. >the Homeworld SERVO: Name that thing already. >are you doing here?" Micron spoke, "My mission CROW: (as Micron) Is Impossible. >here is to tell you that your father, SERVO: Who is as nameless as their "homeworld"... >my namesake uncle, Micron the Shrinker, has passed on. >He would have summoned you, but he MIKE: Lost the phone number. >knew your presence was important to this planet." The two brothers >comfort each other over the death of SERVO: Country Legend Grandpa Jones? CROW: Broadcast Great Harry Caray? MIKE: King of the one-liners Henny Youngman? >their father, the man who taught them MIKE: The alphabet. >all that was good and just in the universe. SERVO: So, not much, huh? >Micron presented them a vessel, CROW: Yeah, send them off the planet, >"Here are the remains of SERVO: The Day. >Uncle Micron, your father." Inside the vessel are the ashes ALL: Ashes, we all fall down. >of Micron, father of MIKE: Our Country. >Brian and Bob. Micron then tells his cousins, SERVO: The wonders of Amway products. >"The method that brought me here CROW: (as Micron) Is killing me. >was an experimental process, and CROW: (as Micron) Just being near me will kill you as well. >cannot return me home, thus I wish to CROW: Send the one who opened the door to the Satellite of Love. >live with you here." Brian says, "Of course, dear cousin. >Bob, his wife and their son shall be leaving ALL: (singing) On a jet plane, don't know if they'll be back again. >this continent tomorrow, but there are many MIKE: Fish in the sea. >rooms here." Micron interrupts, CROW: (as Micron) What is a continent? >"You have married a SERVO: Hu-mon. MIKE: Very Ferrengi, Tom. >native and have a child?" Brian says, MIKE: But of course. >"We both have, and my wife is CROW: Great in the sack. >expecting our second child. Come, cousin, meet ALL: (singing) George Jetson... His boy Elroy... Daughter Judy... Jane, his wife. >our family and our friends." (MIKE claps his hands four times) ALL: (singing) I'll be there for you. >Micron replies, "I especially wish to meet SERVO: (as Micron) One called Jenny McCarthy. >the one who answered your door." MIKE: Well, who wouldn't? CROW: Richard Simmons. SERVO: Gypsy. > > Brian and Bob went SERVO: Certifiably insane. >into the ballroom, where ALL: (singing) A kid can be a kid. >the party was being held. Brian spoke, CROW: When Brian Crowmeowme speaks, People fall asleep. >"Everyone, Bob and I would like SERVO: (as Brian) To say good-bye, as we are going to kill everyone except Ashley. >you to meet someone. This," motioning Micron forward, "is CROW: Elvis. >our cousin, Micron the shrinker. He will be MIKE: A burden on my substantial bank accounts. >living with us, as he has no way SERVO: Out. >to return home." Bob continues, MIKE: And so does the snoring. >"He came here the bearer CROW: (as Paul Bearer) Oh, Yes! >of sad tidings, for our father, ALL: Who art in... >also called Micron the shrinker, has CROW: Shrunk the kids. >passed on." Bob struggles to hold back the SERVO: Barbarian hordes. >tears. Micron's gaze seems fixed on MIKE: The punch bowl. >Ashley. ALL: Yahoo! >Brian and Bob introduce their wives MIKE: Wives? Do they have harems? >and sons to Micron, then introduce the others to him. SERVO: Others, Micron. Micron, others. >Justin brings up an interesting point, CROW: (as Justin) Why am I a Power Ranger? >"So, why are you called 'The Shrinker'?" Micron explains to everyone, >"On our homeworld, one male every generation is SERVO: Killed before reaching age one. >born with CROW: Looks that make the Elephant Man look like Fabio. >a power that is MIKE: Highly coveted by evil. >shared only along family lines. My father was SERVO: (as Micron) A drunken, lecherous old coot. >also called Morphos, like CROW: What Ever. >Brian, and had MIKE: Declared Earth a target for destruction. >the same power Brian has. The power I have is CROW: Super Stupidity. >to reduce any item in size, though I cannot re-enlarge them." SERVO: Then what good are you? >Micron demonstrates his power by shrinking MIKE: Justin. CROW: And there was great rejoicing. >a bag of trash down to the size of a Tic-Tac. SERVO: But I doubt it would give you fresh breath. >Everyone is impressed. ALL: Not us! > > The next day, after seeing MIKE: Pink elephants. >Bob, Kat, and Alfred to their jet, SERVO: Jet Jaguar? >Micron sets himself CROW: Like a table. >to chosing an Earth name. MIKE: He likes the name TV's Frank. >He secludes himself in the SERVO: Wine cellar, coming out one week later in a drunken stupor. >manor's TV room, trying to find a name among Earth's pop ALL: Up Videos. >culture icons. Occasionally, he interrupts himself with CROW: The Alphabet. >thoughts of Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >he has never seen any woman so beautiful. ALL: Amen! >He hopes that she may be MIKE: Heading to the Satellite of Love for a permanent stay. >as intrigued with him as he is with SERVO: Himself. >her. Returning to his task, he decides CROW: Names are irrelevant. >that, like his cousins, his name should start with the letter B. MIKE: Sesame Street has been brought to you today by the letters B and S, and by the number 666. >He goes through many possibilities, none of which SERVO: Start with B. >truly appeal to him. He tries, Barney, MIKE: (as Barney Rubble) Hiya Fred. SERVO: Let's hope it's not the _Other_ Barney. >Boo-Boo, CROW: (as Boo-Boo Bear) Gee Yogi, Mr Ranger's not gonna like that. >Bamm-Bamm, ALL: Bamm, bamm, bamm-bamm-bamm! >Bo, SERVO: (as Roscoe P Coltraine) Coo,coo,coo. I'll get them Duke boys, my fat little buddy. >Brad, CROW: Pitt? >Bruce, MIKE: (as Alfred the Butler) The Batphone, Master Bruce. >Bryce, ALL: Huh? >Bentley, ALL: Huh? >Brad, SERVO: He considered it twice? >Brom, MIKE: Is he in Angel Grove or Sleepy Hollow? >and Buster. CROW: Buster Bunny? SERVO: What about Babs Bunny? ALL: No relation! >Finally, watching a prime-time animated series, CROW: Probably Sou... MIKE: I thought we talked about mentioning shows on _that_ channel. CROW: Sorry. >he finds the perfect CROW: Body. >name, he will be Bartholomew J ALL: Simpson! >Crowmeowme, Bart MIKE: Don't have a cow, Homer. >for short. He informs SERVO: The proper authorities. >Brian of his choice, which Brian uses to CROW: Dodge the I.R.S. >create a history for his cousin; birth certificates, Social Security >Number, et al. Brian sets Bart up with a job as MIKE: A janitor at the Youth Center. >Junior VP in charge of marketing CROW: Oh, he does the grocery shopping. >for Bon Doi, Brian's toy company. SERVO: That explains Beetleborgs. >He also gives Bart 15% interest CROW: On all his loans. >in Crowmeowme Industries, in stocks and bonds. > > Bart became MIKE: A total human. >an invaluable secret ally CROW: Ally McBeal? >to the Rangers. He either shrank P-Trons SERVO: Honey, I shrunk the pirahnahtrons. >or dispatched MIKE: Fire trucks and ambulances. >them using a fighting form which developed SERVO: On genuine Kodak paper. >on his homeworld since his cousins left, a style called CROW: Stoogeism. >Tor Ek Nal, ALL: Huh? >of which Bart was a master. CROW: And a disaster. >If he saw a SERVO: A puddy tat. >P-Tron was about to attack Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >from behind, CROW: I'd like to attack Ashley from behind. MIKE: Crow! >he made that P-Tron his priority. SERVO: Priority mail from the Post Office. >All the while, Brian began training Bart to be MIKE: The new Robin. >his replacement, SERVO: So, he's the replacement for the replacement of the replacement? >should something require him to give up being a Ranger. CROW: Like the unions. >Bart was able to detect MIKE: With his Spider-sense. >something was amiss with the jacket Ashley designed, SERVO: We could act that out, we've seen it enough times. CROW: Not counting all the times we watched it on tape. >thus he prevented Brian and Kim from buying them. CROW: I thought Kim's high fashion sense would have done that. >He helped Brian build MIKE: A baseball diamond out of a corn field. >Fury Skies, hovering skies which, with a magnetic cord, allowed Brian to >follow behind SERVO: Like Mary's little lamb. >either Lightning Cruiser or Storm Blaster. MIKE: Cheap rip-offs of M.A.S.K. CROW: I thought that was Vor-Tech? >Bart also took time to learn about Earth things from the other Rangers. >TJ taught him about CROW: Shaving his head. >baseball and Carlos taught him about MIKE: Eliminating rivals by hurting them. >soccer. Cassie taught him about SERVO: (singing) Confusion, confusion, confusion. >Earth music and Justin taught him CROW: How to be annoying. >about soap-box derbies. Bart learned alot from Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >auto mechanics and fashion design among them. MIKE: Like Xena, Ashley has many skills. >Bart, in turn, taught the Rangers SERVO: How to act. CROW: Well, except Ashley. MIKE: Good point. >Tor Ek Nal. > > When General Havok took MIKE: Over the X-Books. CROW: When did Cyclops' brother become a general. SERVO: I think it was during the Onslaught. >the Turbo Megazord, Stretched Fury, in Limozord Warrior mode, was >heavily damaged. Bart, being a SERVO: Total moron. >technical whiz, supervised the repair work while Brian CROW: Relaxed with Kim on the beach. >and the other Rangers planned their next move. MIKE: King's bishop to Queen's bishop 4. >Brian recieved SERVO: A visit from the Tooth Fairy. >the Fury Chief RescueZord. ALL: The what? >Fury Chief was a silver Fire Chief's car with five MIKE: Magic rings for five special young people. >colored lights on the roof:Red, CROW: (as Lucky the Leprechaun) Balloons. >Pink, CROW: (as Lucky) Hearts. >Green, CROW: (as Lucky) Clovers. >Yellow, CROW: (as Lucky) Moons. >and Blue. CROW: (as Lucky) Diamonds. ALL: (singing) Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious. >These lights would be used to SERVO: Blind the enemy. >coordinate attacks by the other Rangers. SERVO: Almost as effective. >Bart began working on a CROW: Way to make Ashley even more attractive. >way of merging Fury Chief and MIKE: The Protectobots into Defensor. >the newly repaired and upgraded SERVO: Windows 95. >Stretched Fury into a Mega-Limozord. CROW: Wasn't plain old Limozord enough? >Mega-Limozord poseessed two ALL: Two, two mints in one. >Antenna-Rang launchers, which was used SERVO: To pick up UHF channels. >in a variation of the holding pattern manuever when the >Rescue-Megazord used Artillery Power. MIKE: A couple of shoulder-mounted cannons SERVO: I miss the old Megazord. >Bart also posed CROW: For Playgirl. >an interesting question to Brain. SERVO: (as Bart, ala Pinky) What are we going to do tonight, Brain? MIKE: Bart Crowmeowme _is_ Pinky. >"Cousin, I've noticed Cassie seems attracted to CROW: (as Bart) Me, but I am attracted to Divatox. >this Phantom Ranger, but what if Phantom Ranger should turn out to be >a woman?" Dimitria herself had MIKE: Given up talking in questions, right when the new Rangers were empowered. >never offered so intriguing and powerful a question. > > Bart soon became interested in SERVO: The Force. >esoteric lore, such as mysticism, CROW: Hypnotize Ashley into loving us. >alchemy, SERVO: A love potion, even better. >and vampires. MIKE: I don't care how hot she is, I'm not drinking blood. >It was this last part that proved most helpful when SERVO: Dracula set up shop in Angel Grove. >Count Nocturne CROW: Does he love to count things? >arrived. Bart had learned MIKE: By watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. >of ways to detect vampires MIKE: His Spider-Sense again? >and was the first to SERVO: Form a Buffy fan club. >determine there was a vampire on the loose in Angel Grove. >Armed with SERVO: An autographed picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar. >wooden stakes, Bart set CROW: The table for dinner. >about tracking the nosferatu. SERVO: An Italian? >He encountered Justin, ALL: Nooooooo! >who told him his suspicions about Carlos. CROW: (as Justin) He can't act. >Bart quickly headed towards MIKE: Transylvania. >Angel Grove High, to stop Carlos, SERVO: With a red octagon. >if necessary , and save the ALL: Whales. >woman of his dreams, Ashley. ALL: Yahoo! >He arrived just as Carlos and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >were talking about getting a bite. CROW: Oh no, she's already a vampire! MIKE: My neck awaits her fangs. >As he saw Carlos bare his SERVO: Chest, in order to raise female viewership. >fangs to sink them into Ashley's lovely SERVO: Gee, that's kind of hard to narrow down. MIKE: Yeah, everything about her is lovely. CROW: Maybe, he wants to sink it into one of her supple... MIKE: We get the idea, Crow. >neck, he drew a CROW: Warm bath. >stake. He prepared to drive MIKE: His brand new car. >the stake into Carlos' SERVO: Leg, as revenge for "The Accident". >heart when Brian and the other Rangers arrived. CROW: Why'd they stop him. >Bart put the stake away MIKE: Since they're having chicken for supper. >when Brian told him they would try to cure Carlos. ALL: Why? >Bart set himself CROW: With place settings for three. >out to try and find Count SERVO: From Sesame Street. >Nocturne, knowing that killing the main vampire will MIKE: Be pretty messy. >cure any of his victims who have yet tasted CROW: Where's Wayne's World when it's needed? >human blood, with a kiss from ALL: (singing) A rose on a grave. >either Cassie or Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >warrior maidens CROW: Sounds like Gabrielle. >pure of heart, as a last resort. > > Then came ALL: Bronson. >the final battle CROW: V? >against Divatox. Both Meagzords were destroyed MIKE: Did Tommy come back? >and Mega-Limozord was SERVO: Sold for parts. >critically damaged, with Je.E.V.S. CROW: Being handed a pink slip. >destroyed by SERVO: Alpha 6's annoying "yoyoyo". >a control panel exploding. When Divatox's forces surrounded MIKE: (as Obi-Wan) Penetrated, and bound the galaxy together. >the Power Chamber, Brian used SERVO: His fortune to bribe Divatox into giving up. >the teleportation systems to CROW: Save his own alien hinder. >bring Bart there. As the battle began, Bart began SERVO: Reciting boring battle speeches. >shrinking P-Trons left and right, ALL: Stand up, sit down, fight. Fight. FIGHT! >dispatching a few with CROW: A CB Radio. >nearly lethal Tor Ek Nal moves. MIKE: I wonder if that's like Night Moves. >When Divatox's forces left Earth SERVO: The MiB were after her. >for the Cimmarian planet at CROW: The intersection of Crab Nebula and Orion's Belt. >Dark Specter's "request", SERVO: He's got Pay-Per-View? >Bart gathered up the two dozen ALL: Eggs. >P-Trons he shrank and threw them into the rubble. MIKE: Barney Rubble? >After Alpha dug up the SERVO: Flower Bed CROW: Bad Alpha. >black box and Justin came up with the idea MIKE: (shocked) That's a first. >of using NASADA's shuttle to chase ALL: Pearl. >after Divatox, Brian knew he CROW: Shouldn't think those thoughts about Ashley, he's a married man. >could not go with his teammates. Brian was SERVO: Flattened by a falling anvil. MIKE & CROW: Huh? SERVO: Hey, it's works on Animaniacs. >able to get them into MIKE: The Angel Grove Hilton. >the base. Crowmeowme Industries had SERVO: Just gone bankrupt. >supplied much of the special equipment for the last CROW: Best Hope. SERVO: Why did you have to bring up that piece? >shuttle mission, and used his MIKE: Fortune to bribe the guards. >credentials to get onto the base, with a SERVO: Hidden machine gun as a back-up plan. >legit cover story about having to CROW: Scrub the floors. >examine the equipment he had supplied. As the ALL: World Turns. >others left the limo, Brian gave Bart CROW: The Finger! >his communicator, telling his cousin SERVO: Don't come home. >"May the ALL: Force Be With You! >Power Protect You." Bart knew that was the passing of the torch. ALL: Again? >As the shuttle lifted off towards Eltar, MIKE: Br'er Rabbit and the Eltar Baby. >with Brian and Justin watching from the ground, SERVO: Though Justin was too close to the boosters and was burnt to a crisp. >four Rangers felt unsure MIKE: Must be their deodorant. >what the future held, but not Bart. He just felt SERVO: Like Singing. >excitement, for Ashley was holding his hand... MIKE: She should be holding my hand. (SERVO moves onto MIKE's lap.) (ALL exit theater) [Door Sequence] [Bridge] MIKE: OK, it's obvious from this last piece that our "friend", Mr Prime, plans on making Bart to be Ashley's love interest. SERVO: I for one won't stand for that. CROW: No, you'll hover. (chuckles) MIKE: I propose a vote, all in favor of booing Bart, say Ashley. ALL: Ashley. CROW: It's anonymous. SERVO: Angel's Revenge, right? [Commercial Sign light flashes] MIKE: We'll be right back. [MST3K Logo] [Commercials for Space:Above and Beyond, Earth 2, Sliders, psychics, and an Ever Wonder? spot.] (ALL re-enter theater.) > Power Rangers > Featuring > The Crowmeowme Family > in > Marriage of the Millennium... Message CROW: I wonder who's getting married? MIKE: Hopefully, me and Ashley. > by > Gold Astro Ranger > (formerly Turbo Ranger Prime) SERVO: He changed his name? CROW: But probably not his writing style. > >Disclaimer: Power Rangers and related characters are property of Saban >Productions. Most members of the Crowmeowme Family are MIKE: Drooling over Ashley. >my creations. This story may SERVO: or may not be good to us. CROW: Probably not. >not be reproduced, distributed, or altered without my consent. >Listed films MIKE: Revenge of the Creature. SERVO: Leech Woman CROW: The Undead. >and songs MIKE: Toobular-Boobular Joy SERVO: The Summer Blockbuster Review Ditty. CROW: Oh, I love that ditty. >are owned by Walt Disney Productions. MIKE: That Mickey Mouse operation? >Note: The opinions expressed within are not necessarily CROW: The News. >what will happen if MIKE: I ever find myself in Angel Grove. >The Millennium Message ever sees the airwaves. > > It was June 12, 2000, and SERVO: Man, was it hot outside. >a vast crowd was gathered at CROW: Dairy Queen. >the Crowmeowme estate in Angel Heights, the exclusive area outside of >Angel Grove. MIKE: Oh, Bel Air. CROW: Really, where's Will Smith? >They were gathered for the wedding of SERVO: Aladdin and Jasmine. >Bart Crowmeowme and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! MIKE: Wait, she can't marry him! >Hammond. Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >had been seeing each other for over a year and a half, (ALL react as if being stabbed in the chest.) >and now, they were finally getting married. ALL: (sobbing) Why? WHY? >Of the three ALL: Musketeers! SERVO: Big on chocolate, not on fat! >Crowmeowmes who migrated to Earth from ALL: We know, their homeworld. >the planet Minutiae, SERVO: (shocked) So, he finally came up with a name for "the homeworld." >Bart, aka SERVO: Mr Lucky. MIKE: Guys, we forgot to boo him. CROW: We'll do it next time he's mentioned. >Micron, waited the longest to marry his Earth-born love, Ashley. ALL: Yahoo! >She had been, over the past two and a half years, SERVO: The most beautiful woman in Angel Grove. >his teacher in Earthly ways, CROW: I'd say cheating, treachery, deceit, and back-stabbing, but this is Ashley we're talking about. >his teammate, SERVO: No romantic connection there. >his closest friend, MIKE: Hopefully platonic. >his girlfriend, MIKE: D'oh! >his lover, ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! >and now, his fiance. ALL: (sobbing) Why? Why? WHY? >The mansion's ballroom was filled with CROW: Letter bombs and poison gas. >friends and family, including SERVO: An MCI Representative. >Power Rangers. Not since the marriage of CROW: Zedd and Rita. >Adam and Tanya had the Rangers gathered for such a MIKE: Blood bath. SERVO: Blood Bath? MIKE: If I was there, Bart would have to fight me to marry Ashley. CROW: So, your blood. >pleasant event. But, in the front row of seats, there SERVO: Sat Bob Uecker. CROW: (as Uecker) Hey Sports Fans, I love ya. >were four empty chairs, MIKE: The three of us and Gypsy. >each a different color; red, pink, black, and blue. CROW: (as Lucky) Always after me Lucky Charms. >These chairs were held in honor of four Rangers who could not attend, SERVO: They had previous engagements. >the only four Power Rangers ever to MIKE: Join a union. >give their lives in the defense of Earth and the universe. SERVO: Thankfully, we know Ashley wasn't one of them. > > Turn the clock back three MIKE: Years, so I can claim Ashley before Bart can. >months, March 1, 2000. The Power Rangers, ALL: (singing) Go, Go Power Rangers. >Bart, ALL: Booooooooo! >Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >Andros, ALL: Who? >TJ, Cassie, and Carlos, CROW: (singing) And the rest. >were summoned to the Power Station, BOTS: The Dark One? MIKE: What? >orbiting command center, formerly the Astro Megaship, ALL: The what? >by Dimitria. "Rangers," Dimitria said, MIKE: (as Dimitria) I will speak in statements, not just questions. >"an army of SERVO: Darkness. >evil greater than any ever assembled CROW: The Avengers? >has been detected heading towards Earth. MIKE: Must be Independence Day. >I have summoned SERVO: A squadron of misfits, that always seems to topple evil empires. >former Rangers to help you fight CROW: Your evil twins. >them, but I fear that the combined power of MIKE: All five Planeteers. >twenty Rangers may not be enough to defeat them." SERVO: Yeah, you need at least 23. >Alpha 7, ALL: Uh-oh. >successor to Alpha 6, who sacrificed himself ALL: Yes! >in the final battle with Dark Spectre and Astronema, ALL: Who and who? >directed SERVO: A third Power Rangers movie. >the Rangers attention CROW: Or lack their of. >to the monitor. "Ok-ok-ok, (ALL groan) >we have developed MIKE: Pictures from your summer vacations. >a series of extremely powerful zords," CROW: We've heard that before. >said Alpha. On the monitor appeared SERVO: The latest episode of Xena. >larger versions of the original Dinozords, ALL: We need Dinozord Power, Now! >the Dragonzord, SERVO: (as a dubbed Japanese actor) Oh no, Godzilla is attacking Tokyo. >Thunderzords, CROW: The Fabulous Thunderzords. >Ninjazords, MIKE: Teenage Mutant Ninjazord Turtles. >Shogunzords, SERVO: Shougunzord Warriors. >ZeoZords, CROW: I'd love a Zeo Tracker. >Super ZeoZords, MIKE: Look, up in the sky. CROW: It's a bird. SERVO: It's a plane. ALL: It's Super ZeoZords. >TurboZords, SERVO: Wasn't that a Go-Bot? >RescueZords, ALL: (singing) Rescue Me. >and AstroZords. CROW: (as Astro) Ri Rove Rou, Rordon. >Dimitria continued, "We have also begun reconstructing SERVO: The Post-Civil War South. >Power Weapons, more powerful than MIKE: A locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. >their predecessors incarnations. CROW: Incarnations Instant Breakfast? >We are also working ALL: (singing) In a coal mine. >on such weapons as Dragon Dagger, SERVO: One hot knife. >Saba, MIKE: Cry baby. >and Manareek." ALL: Stinky! > > Below on Earth, the single largest gathering of CROW: Highlander fans. >Rangers was beginning to take shape at SERVO: Saban Entertainment in Hollywood. >the former site of the command center/Power Chamber. MIKE: Now, just another mini-mall. >The Crowmeowmes, Brian ALL: Alien. >and Kim ALL: Babe. >and Bob ALL: Alien. >and Kat, ALL: Babe. >were first to arrive. Other Rangers began MIKE: Dropping like flies. >arriving, each with different SERVO: Excuses on why they can't help. >stories of what they'd been doing since the last CROW: Picture Show. >gathering of Rangers. Jason MIKE: Leader of the Argonauts. >now owned a martial arts dojo ALL: Big surprise there. >and was engaged to Emily. ALL: Post? >Zack SERVO: Is a Space Case. >was a dancer in a new Broadway play, CROW: Must be in the background. >which was getting good reviews. MIKE: Is he still after Angela? >Trini SERVO: Joined a gang and is now known as Kali. >was still living in Switzerland, ALL: Ricola! >working for world peace. CROW: Never gonna happen. >Billy, MIKE: Is harder to understand than ever. >just back from Aquitar, (ALL make glub-glub noises) >is a father of three. SERVO: Three what? CROW: And who's the mother? >Tommy ALL: (singing) He's a pinball wizard, there has to be a trick. >is now a pro stock car racer for his uncle. CROW: And holds the records for most cars trashed. SERVO: Cars and Zords, all just fodder for Tommy's destructive nature. >Rocky ALL: Yo Adrian! >owns an arcade in Stone Canyon. MIKE: Is that Lt Stone Canyon? >Adam and Tanya are married ALL: Awwwww. >and co-own a small recording studio in Angel Grove. SERVO: But their only customers are The Spice Girls and Hanson. >Aisha CROW: Trampled by a heard of wildebeests. >is a tribal priestess in Africa. (ALL do Tarzan yell) >Other than the MIKE: Comic relief of Bulk and Skull. >current Rangers, the last to arrive is Justin, ALL: Noooooo! >still in high school, SERVO: Still a freshman. >captain of the soccer team CROW: Taking lessons from Carlos on how to get ahead in life. SERVO: Yeah, break the competition's leg. >and Student Council president. MIKE: Who'd elect him? >Kat had just SERVO: Dumped Bob for Prince William. >graduated from the Royal Academy three weeks prior CROW: Actually, she flunked out. >and was considering positions MIKE: Not one word, Crow. CROW: One word. >in prestigious ballet companies, including the Bolshoi. SERVO: That's a load of Bolshoi if I ever heard one. > > Soon, the current Rangers and Alpha 7 ALL: Ugh! >arrive, and a vision BOTS: Vision! Vision! Vision! >of Dimitria appears in front of the massive group. MIKE: Tomatos are thrown. >"Rangers," begins Dimitria, "in order to SERVO: Form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility... >confront the coming onslaught, CROW: Is this a cross-over with the X-Men? >we must gather allies whom you have MIKE: Beaten in the ratings CROW: You mean VR Troopers, Masked Rider, and Beetleborgs? >fought along side in the past. SERVO: The Animaniacs? >Only one Ranger CROW: Ranger Smith. >each shall be sent to recruit these allies." MIKE: Allies McBeal? >Seven circles of light appear in front of the SERVO: Seven Swans a Swimming, near the Seven Hills of Rome. >Rangers. "Jason," says Dimitria, CROW: Bring me the Golden Fleece. >"as a former Gold Ranger, you shall go to MIKE: Corinth, and marry Hercules's mother. >Triforia and find Lord SERVO: Croft's daughter, Lara. (ALL make wolf whistles) CROW: She can raid my tomb any day of the week. MIKE: But she's no Ashley. BOTS: True. >Trey. He shall be needed." Jason moves CROW: Like an ox. >into the first circle. "Tommy," she continues, ALL: Can you hear me? >"you shall go to find Titanus, MIKE: And give him some soup. >who has left Earth for the planet Diniv." ALL: Diniv? >Tommy enters the second circle. "Rocky," Dimitria says, "you shall SERVO: Fight Apollo Creed and Mr T. >go into the desert and CROW: Ride a horse with no name. >enter the temple of Ninjor. MIKE: Or Dudley Do-Right. >His skills shall prove most vital in SERVO: Saving Nell from Snidely Whiplash. >the coming battle." Rocky steps CROW: Into the Ring to face Dolph Lundgren. >towards the third circle. Dimitria continues, MIKE: And the Rangers fall asleep. >"Billy, return to Aquitar and bring back the SERVO: Lost Ark and the Holy Grail. >Delphine and her Rangers." Billy maneuvers CROW: So he cops feels on Trini, Kim and Kat. MIKE: Crow! >his way towards the fourth circle. "Be forewarned, Billy," >Dimitria adds, "the armada of evil is MIKE: Really nasty. >within striking distance SERVO: Starring Bruce Willis and Sarah Jessica Parker. >of Aquitar." > > Dimitria points towards Kat and says, CROW: G'day, sheila. >"You MIKE: Vill come vith me. >were among the first Rangers on Earth to SERVO: Be marked for death by The Machine Empire. >meet Lerigot. You shall go to Liaria and CROW: Steal his golden key. >request his presence. We shall come up with means for him to MIKE: Speak good English, and not Yoda-ese. >survive on Earth." Kat, giving Bob SERVO: Divorce papers. >a hug, moves towards the fifth CROW: Element. SERVO: Starring Bruce Willis and Bozo. >circle. "Justin," Dimitria continues, "You ALL: Will die! >gave your lucky coin to Blue Senturion once. MIKE: But he spent it playing Mortal Kombat at Rocky's Arcade. >You must go to the Intergalactic Police Academy SERVO: And kill Steve Gutenberg. >and bring him back to Earth.." Justin leaps CROW: I thought Adam was the frog? >towards the sixth circle. "And what CROW: About Scarecrow's Brain. >of the seventh circle?" MIKE: Directed by Ingmar Bergman. >asks Cassie, hoping she will get to seek out SERVO: New lifes and new civilizations. >her beloved Phantom Ranger. CROW: She loves someone who she doesn't even know what they really look like? >"That circle," ALL: (singing) The circle of life. >Dimitria responds, "is for Brian. He must go to MIKE: (As Obi-Wan) The Dagobah System. There, you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me. >Phaedos and find Dulcea, the SERVO: Woman he once loved. CROW: That could spell the end of Adam and Tanya's marriage. >master warrior. Her CROW: Super-Hot body will stun the enemy into submission. >Ninjetti skills will be our secret weapon. Give her MIKE: A Victoria's Secret catalog. >this." A strange, SERVO: New world rises from the old, a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. CROW: Lords of light! >high-tech belt appears MIKE: Around Bulk's waist, breaking instantly. >in front of the seventh circle. SERVO: On the seventh hill of Rome. >Dimitria continues, "It will allow her to CROW: Make balloon spirit animals. >leave her plateau without aging." Brian kisses Kim CROW: Is that with or without tongue? >as he enters the SERVO: Twilight Zone. >seventh circle and CROW: Vanishes into thin air. >grabs the belt. MIKE: Right off of Shawn Michaels' waist. >Dimitria ends with "Good Luck on you quests Rangers, and ALL: May the Force Be With You! >Let The Power protect You!" ALL: Same thing. > > Billy arrives on ALL: (singing) The Last Train to Clarksville. >Aquitar at the MIKE: Aquitar Central Station. >command center for SERVO: Nerds Anonymous. >the Aquitian rangers. He had hoped to arrive at CROW: Rush hour. >his residence, and contact MIKE: Jodie Foster. >Delphine and the others from there. Before he could SERVO: Get comfortable. >shout for anyone, the whole structure shook from CROW: The size of his ego. >a massive explosion. SERVO: He shouldn't have eaten that bean burrito. >Soon, the five Aquitian Rangers entered CROW: All at once? >the room. "Billy," said a startled Delphine, SERVO: Put some pants on. >"I thought you had gone to MIKE: Casablanca. >Earth?" Billy responded, SERVO: He couldn't find it. >"I did, but I was asked to return and bring you CROW: Tidings of comfort and joy. >back to Earth to help stop the ALL: The Music. >army of evil, which I presume SERVO: Correct as usual, King Friday. >was responsible for that explosion." "Yes," said Cestral, CROW: Doing his best imitation of The Brain. SERVO: I thought it was Beast Wars Megatron. MIKE: That's funny, I was going for Marv Albert. >"our scanners indicate it was SERVO: (idiot voice) A massive explosion. >a Machine Empire skybase, accompanied by MIKE: The cast of Family Matters. >Master Vile's skullship." Soon, a red alert sounded ALL: Red Alert! Red Alert! >throughout the complex. "There MIKE: Is a red alert, people, Step lively. >was a massive bombardment," said Cestral, "massive destruction >in quadrants 40 though 65." CROW: What about sixty-nine? SERVO: Or Seven of Nine? >Billy was shocked, "Sixty-Five?!. MIKE: Yes, is there an echo in here? >Cestria and the kids! Delphine, send me ALL: (singing) To the Congo... >there." Billy soon found himself in SERVO: The middle of a vast crater. >what was left of his residence. CROW: There was junk mail everywhere. >"Cestria, MIKE: I Married A Fish, by Billy. >Zordonia, Alphana, SERVO: Not hard guessing who they were named after. >Manati!" he shouted for his CROW: Pipe, he shouted for his bowl, and he shouted for his fiddler's three. >family. "Daddy!" a weak voice called from an adjoining room. > > As Billy entered CROW: We knew he was a chick magnet, but, in the middle of the chaos, put your pants back on, Billy. >the adjoining room, he was SERVO: Crushed by the ceiling falling down. >saddened by what he saw. The twins, MIKE: Zan and Jayna. >Zordonia and Alphana, were SERVO: Replaced by Dimitriana and Alphana Six. >dead, crushed CROW: Orange Crush? >beneath a fallen oxygen generator. MIKE: So, everyone else can die of asphyxiation or drowning. >The youngest, Manati, SERVO: Ma-nah-tee? CROW: Man-ay-tie? >was loosing blood rapidly. And Cestria, CROW: At the end of a hook. MIKE: Dark Crow, very dark. >his beloved wife, was CROW: Flopping like a carp. MIKE: Lighten up, Crow. >unconscious. Billy MIKE: Fled before he could die. >roused her with the Aquitian equivalent of SERVO: A French Kiss. >smelling salts. CROW: Smelling pepper. >"Billy," she said weakly, "I'm MIKE: (falsetto) Seeing someone else. >glad your home." She looked at SERVO: Her watch, dinner would really be late tonight. >the destruction around her, and at her CROW: Waist line, she was getting fat, and she wasn't pregnant. >two dead children. "Our younglings, ALL: Younglings? >"she said, growing MIKE: Like a weed. >ever weaker, "I couldn't save SERVO: My Bon-Bons. >them. And Manati ALL: Oh, Man-uh-tee. >is dying as well." "You aren't CROW: (as Billy) The only one having an affair. >doing that well yourself," Billy told her, MIKE: You've lost your girlish figure. >"The medical units are on the way, but SERVO: We don't have insurance. >with twenty-five quadrants affected, CROW: All circuits are busy. >it could be awhile." Manati SERVO: Also called Sea Cow. >looked up, said "Mommy, Daddy, MIKE: Where's my teddy fish? >I love you," and then, little Manati died. Billy shed SERVO: His skin like a snake. >many tears for his children, then comforted CROW: Himself with a bottle of Scotch. >his dying wife. "Billy," she said, fading fast, "I MIKE: (falsetto) Regret nothing! >hope you can find SERVO: Your books in what's left of the library. >happiness with another, perhaps CROW: (falsetto) With my twin sister, Kestria. >someone on Earth. But, always remember MIKE: The force will be with you, always. >me." "I love you," ALL: (singing) You love me, Barney's dumber than a tree. >he responded, holding her close. He gave her CROW: The finger. >one final kiss and then, Cestria died in his arms. SERVO: How Shakespeareian. > > As Billy MIKE: Began looking for a new wife. >wept over the loss of his family, Brian was SERVO: Writing another movie. >arriving on Phaedos, looking for Dulcea. CROW: Oh, he's on the prowl. >He landed in a rocky MIKE: I thought Rocky was back on Earth, looking for Ninjor. >section of the planet, ALL: Of the Apes. >"Just like the arrival scene in my movie," SERVO: Except he's all alone. >he thought, and made his way towards Dulcea's CROW: Palace of pleasure. >plateau. Brian was amazed how MIKE: Much Phaedos looked like parts of Australia. >little had changed in six thousand years. SERVO: Six thousand years, he thought it was only six years. >Soon, he reached the edge CROW: That new pizza from Pizza Hut? >of the plateau, where, in his script, Tengu attacked the Rangers. >"If this were my movie," he said to himself, MIKE: Kim and Tommy would be talking at the seashore. >" some Tengas would swoop down from the sky." ALL: Be careful what you say... >As if on cue, a flock of Tengas, accompanied by CROW: Mordant. >Prince Gasket and Archerina, attacked Brian. "So, MIKE: You're planning to re-make that movie of yours, trying to be as authentic as possible. >former Ranger," said Gasket, "Is your ALL: (singing) Chewing gum losing it's flavor on the bed post over night? >marriage so unhappy now that you seek a SERVO: Cheap thrill. >former love?" "Taunt me all you want," responded Brian, CROW: Mockery is the ignorant man's weapon. >"My marriage is strong, MIKE: Thanks to Super-Glue. >and your alliance is weak." SERVO: Because you used water-soluable glue. >Brian created CROW: The wheel. >an arsenal to fight the Tengas, knocking ALL: (singing) On Heaven's Door. >several out of the sky, then turning his attention to ALL: Mitchell! >the mechanical miscreants. MIKE: Somebody's been reading Thor. >Brian created a Katana-sword, with which he removed Archerina's head SERVO: There can be only one! >from her mechanical torso. "Press CROW: Any Key to Start. SERVO: Where's the any key. >the attack," Gasket told the Tengas. > > The Tengas began to MIKE: Turn into pillow stuffing. >surround Brian when, from out of nowhere ALL: Part 1. >there came a high-pitched trill. ALL: Jadzia Dax? >The Tengas' sensitive ears SERVO: Gave out during the 1812 Overture. >were overwhelmed, and they fled. CROW: Tenga turkeys. >Without back-up, Gasket grabbed Archerina's head and ALL: Shoulders. >body and retreated. Brian looked up MIKE: In the sky. CROW: It's a bird... SERVO: It's a plane... MIKE: It's a joke we did earlier. >to ledge and saw SERVO: Mount Rushmore? >just what he expected, a green-cloaked figure CROW: The Green Arrow? >putting a two-part MIKE: Episode of Power Rangers on video tape. >staff back together. "Nice timing, SERVO: Timex, takes a licking and keeps on ticking. >Dulcea. I see my gift CROW: Certificate to Hickory Farms served you well. >to you works as good as ever," he shouted MIKE: Over the sound of a passing Satellite. >to her. "Morphos!" Dulcea SERVO: Rushed to kill her ex-lover. >screamed excitedly, leaping to the ground, shedding her cloak, and >embracing her former lover. CROW: Hey Brian, is that a Morpher in your pocket or are you just glad to see her. >"Not to tight, Dulcea, I'm married with two children now," he told her. >"Oh," she said, letting go of him, MIKE: And pushing him into the raging river below. >"I guess after six SERVO: Minutes, you forgot about me. >thousand years, I should have expected you to CROW: Forget all about me, and our son. MIKE: What son? CROW: You never know what might have happened between them. >have found happiness. Come, let's go to the MIKE: Instant Replay. >temple." The two ex-lovers made their way to ALL: (singing) San Jose. >the Ninjetti temple, looking exactly as it did when Brian last saw it. >"So, where's Snoggle?" he asked. SERVO: In the dryer, duh. >Dulcea responded sadly, CROW: (falsetto Australian) I've switched to Bounce. >"Snoggle died a century ago, he MIKE: Drank some liquid fabric softener. >had a good long life." "I'm SERVO: (as Brian) Not buying a new one. Your on NYPD Blue, get one yourself. >sorry," Brian told her, remembering when he gave Snoggle to her. > > After preparing CROW: A quick death. >some squirbs, Dulcea asked, "What ALL: (singing) Kind of fool am I? >brings you here after all this time?" Brian told her, MIKE: (as Brian) I made this movie, and wanted you to see it. >"An alliance of evil SERVO: Has defeated X-Factor. >unlike any ever seen is threatening SERVO: The New Mutants. >Earth. The group that attacked me was CROW: Trying to sell me life insurance. >just a small portion. I have been sent here by MIKE: The President of the United States to invite you to join the White House Intern Program. >Dimitria of Inquarus, Zordon's successor, to recruit SERVO: Mercenaries. >your help." "I would CROW: But I'm scheduled to guest star on Beetleborgs next week. >be honored to," she replied hesitantly, "but MIKE: My wardrobe has been sent to Dennis Franz's dressing room. >you know that if I leave this plateau, let alone Phaedos itself, >I would age rapidly." SERVO: Much like Dick Clark if he stopped visiting Times Square every New Year's Eve. >"That can be CROW: A serious problem. >prevented," Brian told her as he reached for MIKE: The Stars, like Casey Kasem says to do. >the Power Box CROW: His lunch was in there. >he wore and got the belt SERVO: Which was three sizes to small. >Dimitria gave him. "Wear this," CROW: It's a fool proof method of birth control. >he told her, "It will prevent you from aging, or so Dimitria says." >Dulcea takes the belt MIKE: Of Bourbon and Tequilla. >from Brian and places it around her SERVO: Belt, like Xena's chakram. >waist. Soon, a strange, CROW: Urge to yell yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi comes over her. >green aura surrounds her. MIKE: Like an Apache war party. >"Perhaps a SERVO: Diet would let it fit in the right place. >local ALL: Anesthetic. >test before we leave the planet," Brian suggests, MIKE: Did somebody say McPhaedos? >"perhaps to the SERVO: Corner store for some Yoo-Hoo. >Nathadian Monolith?" "Once we CROW: (as Yoda) Start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate our destiny, consume us it will. >step off the plateau, we'll know if MIKE: We need to return it for a full refund. >this works. And the Great ALL: Caesar's Ghost. >Power should be helpful against the alliance." SERVO: The Rebel Alliance? >The two of them step ALL: (singing) In Time, Step in Time, Step in Time, Step in Time. >off the plateau, Dulcea CROW: Wrinkles like a prune. >doesn't age rapidly. Soon, they head towards ALL: The mountains of Buschhhhhhh! >the monolith and the Great ALL: Shades of Elvis! >Power. > > The other MIKE: (as Obi-Wan) Yoda spoke of was your twin sister. >five Rangers also SERVO: Encounter old lovers. >experience delaying tactics. Jason is confronted by CROW: His costume from the production of Rumpelstiltskin. >Barox Bounty Hunters ALL: Boba Fett! >and Quantrons, MIKE: Quantron Leap. >but receives assistance from Trey. CROW: Serving Trey. >Tommy encounters SERVO: Rita's Frankenstein Monster. >Super Putties, under Klank's CROW: Armored shell. >command, but Titanus MIKE: Blows up real good. >arrives with the special blasters. SERVO: You mean those zip-guns? >Rocky's journey to Ninjor's CROW: Emerald City >temple is delayed by the appearance of MIKE: The Pachinkco Monster. >Vampirus and Count Nocturne, SERVO: Interview with the Vampires. >but Ninjor's timely arrival CROW: On his horse, Horse. >sends the blood-thirsty duo MIKE: Lunging towards his neck. >fleeing. Kat's search for SERVO: A litter box. >Lerigot on Liaria is hindered by Pirahanoids, ALL: Huh? >humanoid creatures on whom the Pirahanatrons are based, ALL: Oh? >but Lerigot's magic CROW: Fingers. >saves her. Elgar and Rito had been sent to MIKE: An Idiot's convention. >stop Justin from contacting ALL: Jodie Foster. >the Blue Senturion at the Intergalactic Police Academy. SERVO: Starring Bubba Smith. >Fortunately, for CROW: Jones and Tackleberry. >Justin, the two dimwits thought they were told to MIKE: Act out scenes from Police Academy movies. >watch Police Academy and were in the middle of Police Academy 5 ALL: Assignment: Miami Beach. >when their mistake was discovered. SERVO: What a pair of idiots. >General Havok and Scorpina CROW: Scorpina Colada. >were sent instead. The evil duo attacked the academy MIKE: Unfortunately, they attacked Starfleet Academy. >shortly after Justin arrived. ALL: Kill him! >It took the combined skills of SERVO: Calahan and Hooks. >all instructors and cadets to give Justin CROW: A severe beating? >and the Senturion enough time to head for Earth. > ALL: D'Oh! [MST3K logo] [Commercials for various sci-fi movies, including Godzilla.] [Bridge] (MIKE and BOTS are using a computer) MIKE: You know guys, these stories that are being forced upon us, they probably first appeared on Usenet. SERVO: You mean newsgroups? MIKE: Yeah. CROW: Well, Gypsy and I programed this Internet service provider to give us a list of the weirdest Usenet groups around. MIKE: Really? (Computer Bings) CROW: Yep, and there's the list. SERVO: Wow, there's a lot of groups, alt.fan.iceberg-lettuce, rec.arts.tv.test-pattern, alt.tv.repair. MIKE: How about alt.fan.freeway.hart-to-hart, alt.halt, or rec.room? CROW: Wow, adult groups, alt.sex.pinocchio, alt.sex.fetish.insects, and alt.sex.stories.dinosaur. SERVO: You're sick,Crow. MIKE: Oh, here comes the strangest group of all... ALL: Alt.fan.pearl.forrester???? [Movie Sign Lights Flash!] ALL: Oh no, Movie Sign!!!! [Door Sequence] > By the time the seven MIKE: Swans were done a swimming... >Rangers returned with the allies they sought, the last of the ALL: Mohicans. >Power Weapons had been completed. Dimitria, using SERVO: Tarot Cards. >D.E.C.A., ALL: Huh? >the Power Station's on-board computer, ALL: Oh! >determined assignments for the CROW: First Annual Power Rangers Bowling Tourney, preliminary round. >gathered throng of Rangers. MIKE: I hate it when my throng gathers. >Jason, Zack, Trini, Billy, and Kim would wear their original outfits. SERVO: Stick with the best. >Jason would also receive the new CROW: 2000 Ford Festiva, with new back-seat airbags. >Dragon Dagger and Dragon Shield. MIKE: Autographed by Sean Connery. >Zack and Trini would command the DinoMegazord, SERVO: Also known as the Dean Martin Megazord. >Jason the Dragonzord, CROW: Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragonzord. >and Billy and Kim the ThunderMegazord. MIKE: ThunderMegazords, Hoooooooooooooooooo! >Brian was given his second SERVO: Consecutive life sentence. >Silver outfit, Manareek, and command of CheetahZord. CROW: Chester CheetahZord. SERVO: It's not easy bein' cheesy. CROW: Just ask the movies we've watched. >Tommy was given his White Ranger uniform MIKE: Which, unfortunately, had a pizza sauce stain that just won't come out. >and command of both the TigerZord SERVO: Fresh from Detroit. >and FalconZord, with Saba CROW: Oh, Mr Know-It-All. >at his side. Rocky, Adam, Aisha and Kat were given MIKE: Tutus. >the Metallic Armor. Rocky and ALL: Bullwinkle. >Aisha were placed in charge of SERVO: Lawn care. >the NinjaMegazord, while Adam and Kat oversaw the CROW: Enslavement of the Bookala. >ShogunMegazord. When it was determined that MIKE: Smoking can be hazardous to your health. >Tanya was the only Ranger left with SERVO: Decent musical talent. CROW: What about Cassie? SERVO: Like I said, decent musical talent. >Zeo experience who could command CROW: Dogs to sit. >both the ZeoMegazord and SuperZeoMegazord, >Bob solved this by cloning ALL: Us! >Adam, Rocky, Kat and Tommy, all wearing MIKE: Spider-Man costumes. >the Zeo uniforms and using Zeo weapons. > > Tommy2 ALL: The Sequel. >would be given the Red Battlezord, while Tanya and Adam2 SERVO: One Adam2, One Adam2... >commanded the ZeoMegazord and Rocky2 and CROW: Bullwinkle2. >Kat2 took charge of the Super ZeoMegazord. MIKE: Alias Clark Megazord. >The recently rebuilt Robot Rangers, SERVO: We should sign up, Crow. >Bart ALL: Boooooo! >and Justin CROW: Have been killed by a falling Umbilicus. >were given the Turbo MIKE: Soundtrack as consolation prizes. >Uniforms and the new Turbo R.A.M. SERVO: Dodge Turbo R.A.M. >Justin, Robot Ashley CROW: Robot Ashley! SERVO: Made for you and me, buddy. >and Robot Carlos were placed in ALL: (singing) A rocketship and blasted into space. CROW: (singing) La,la,la. >the TurboMegazord, while Robot Cassie, Robot Justin MIKE: My god, there's two of them! >and Robot TJ were SERVO: Sold for scrap. >to operate RescueMegazord. Bart ALL: Booooooo! SERVO: Let's take a break from the booing. CROW: Yeah, let's give him a chance. >was placed in control of MegaLimozord. >Andros ALL: Who? >was given control of the AstroMegazord, CROW: Sounds cosmic. >and the current Rangers used the AstroZords. CROW: So do they. >Dimitra and Alpha 7 would monitor the battle from MIKE: A distant, secret location. >a new Power Chamber, one built deep below MIKE: (as Mole People scientist) Down, down, down... >the Crowmeowme Estate. Dimitria SERVO: Reverted to speaking in questions. >determined that the best place for a ALL: Stick-Up! >first line of defense CROW: The Battle of the Line? Is this another B5 crossover? >would be the asteroid belt MIKE: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >between Mars and Jupiter, SERVO: Are they aligned? If so, peace will guide the planets... ALL: (singing) And love will fill the stars. >with the Astro Megaship as advanced warning/first CROW: Alert for William Conrad. >strike in the rings of Saturn. MIKE: Maybe this is a crossover with WCW? >Andros and the Astro Megaship would SERVO: Self destruct for no apparent reason. >transport Pyramidas, CROW: From Egypt to South America. >SuperZeoMegazord ALL: Up, up, and away! >and Red Battlezord to the a steroids MIKE: So, the zords are on drugs. >on his way to Saturn. ALL: A different kind of car company. >The other Rangers would set up on the moon, SERVO: Sailor Moon? >to prevent the deaths of further innocents. > > Before the Rangers CROW: Babylon 5 wasn't that well defended. >departed for their battle positions, MIKE: Not one peep, Crow. CROW: Peep! >Dulcea and Ninjor combined their powers to SERVO: Form Captain Planet. ALL: Go Planet! >grant the Rangers additional powers, CROW: Which they squandered. >a combination of Ninjetti and Ninja, MIKE: Ninjajetti? >which was dubbed Ninjatti. (ALL moan) >Brian, MIKE: The Eagle. >Kim, CROW: The Crane. >Tommy, SERVO: The Falcon. >Billy, MIKE: The Wolf. >Adam, CROW: (as Adam) I'm a frog. >Rocky, SERVO: The Ape. >and Aisha MIKE: (falsetto) Time to boogie with the bear. >retained their old spirit animals. SERVO: Listed above. >Jason was given the lion, SERVO: Cowardly, yet a good singer. >fierce and strong. Zack was the mongoose, CROW: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. >cunning and swift. Trini, the Mantis, MIKE: As seen on the Sci-Fi Channel. >quick and deadly. Katherine got, oddly enough, SERVO: The dog. CROW Not that she is one. >the cat, >graceful and clever. Bob received the cobra, ALL: Cobra! >stealthy and dangerous. For Tanya, there was the nightingale, MIKE: Florence Nightingale? >musical and quick. Justin ALL: Noooooooo! >got the ant, CROW: So we can step on him and squash him. >small yet powerful. TJ got the owl, MIKE: Woodsy Owl? >wise and fast. Cassie was bestowed with the rabbit, SERVO: (as Bugs Bunny) Eh, what's up, Cassie. >short and swift. Carlos got the coyote, CROW: Since he ordered a lot of Acme products. >tricky and strong. Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >got the butterfly, MIKE: So that we can pin her to a board and look at her all day long. >beautiful and elusive. CROW: She's just playing hard to get. >Bart was the elephant, SERVO: Large and Destructive. >unforgetting ALL: (singing) In every way... >and powerful. Andros ALL: Who? >received the nimniem, ALL: What? >a creature indigenous to ALL: Where? >his homeworld that was known for it's swift speed ALL: Why? >and powerful, crushing claws. ALL: When? >With their new Ninjatti powers, the Rangers departed to MIKE: Parts Unknown. >their assigned positions. > > Soon, all Ranger units SERVO: (as Police Dispatcher) Please respond to a 287 at The Youth Center. Suspects identified as Farkus Bulkmier and Eugene Skullavitch. Victim is Jerome B Stone, retired police lieutenant. >had assumed their battle positions CROW: And other positions. >and were ready ALL: To Rummmmmblllle! >for the on-coming battle. What they weren't ready for was MIKE: The Family Feud. >a sneak attack by a small force SERVO: Which landed on the moon to deactivate the shield generator. >consisting of King Sphinx, ALL: Walk like an Egyptian. >Robogoat, CROW: (ala Robocop) Thank you for your cooperation. >Repellator, MIKE: How repulsive. >Hydro Hog, ALL: Sooooeyy! >Cog Changer, SERVO: Is he a TransFormer? >and Count Nocturne. CROW: (Transylvanian accent) I love to count things. >While Sphinx, Robogoat, Repellator and Hydro Hog MIKE: Failed miserably. >attacked the Astro Megaship, SERVO: Doesn't sound so hard. >Cog Changer and Nocturne CROW: That greedy blood-sucker. >snuck aboard. Cog Changer placed his MIKE: Calling card on the table. >evil cogs in the Astro Megaship's transformation mechanism, >preventing SERVO: (as Smokey Bear) Forest fires. >them from using AstroMegazord. Count Nocturne's mission CROW: If he chose to accept it... >was more personal. ALL: Suppertime! >While Carlos was a vampire, MIKE: He was hard to live with since he couldn't look in a mirror. CROW: He's not vain, just a little stupid. >Nocturne could see what Carlos saw. ALL: (singing) Do you see what I see. >As Carlos was about to bite Ashley, Nocturne saw her and >realized that she would be the perfect SERVO: Narrow it down a little, everything about her is perfect. >mate for ALL: Me! You? >him. He knew that making Ashley his CROW: Love slave. >bride would give him MIKE: Tons of nasty letters. SERVO: Most of them from us. >both a Ranger who would be out of SERVO: Her mind to marry a Crowmeowme. >the battle and someone to CROW: Cuddle with. >bare his offspring. MIKE: Somebody call Buffy. >Nocturne, disguised as SERVO: Pineapple The Clown. >a bat, searched the Megaship for her quarters. CROW: Why's he looking for her coin-purse? >When he found them, empty, he hid in her closet, MIKE: I'll hide under her sheets. >awaiting her arrival. As soon as she opened the closet, he would take her >to an asteroid cave SERVO: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >and bite her. > > Nocturne did not have to CROW: Look at Playboy once he saw Ashley step out of the shower. >wait long for his intended to arrive. Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >soon came into her quarters with a dreamy look on her face. MIKE: She's in love with me. (BOTS groan) >She was thinking of SERVO: Anyone but Mike. >Bart, CROW: Simpson? >her lover, ALL: Grrrrrrrrrr! >and how much their relationship had changed since MIKE: She started watching The Sci-Fi Channel. >she first met him. She remembered teaching him SERVO: How not to drool in public. >about fashion design, ALL: No! Not that jacket! >auto mechanics BOTS: She can fix us anytime. >and Earth dancing. CROW: Tango, Lambada, The Dirty Bump. >She thought about how, on the shuttle trip, MIKE: The Challenger disaster. >they became good friends, heck, SERVO: Pretty strong language for a Power Rangers story. >Bart considered her his best friend. CROW: (as Forrest Gump) My only friend. >She recalled MIKE: (as Arnie) Totally! >how, shortly after they returned to SERVO: The Planet of the Apes! >Earth, they admitted their growing CROW: Pains. >attraction for each other, and shared MIKE: A plate of pasta. >love's first kiss. (ALL make gagging sounds) >Of course, she also had feelings for someone else for a while, ALL: Me! You? >but that changed just over two months ago. SERVO: She left him for some guy in Minnesota who makes a show about a human and two advanced robots forced to watch bad movies and read terrible fanfics. >For the holidays, Bart took Ashley to CROW: My bedroom, where she lost her virtue. MIKE: Crow! >a private cabin Brian owned in the mountains. MIKE: The mountains of Buschhhhhhhh! >They skied, SERVO: The agony of defeat. >rode snowmobiles and drank CROW: Century old bottles of Rum. >hot cocoa. And, on Christmas Eve, they became lovers. MIKE: If I was in this story, Bart would have been a corpse before the first paragraph. SERVO: Easy, Mike. Just calm down. >She forgot all about ALL: Us! >the other guy, CROW: That would be Mike. MIKE: Really? CROW: Not! >she even moved MIKE: To Minnesota, to find Deep 13 and make her way up the Umbilicus. >into the Crowmeowme estate to be with Bart ALL: D'oh! >all the time. Now, she was just waiting for him to pop ALL: Up Video. >the question, and she had something in her CROW: Gun rack to get rid of him. >closet which she hoped would help. > > As soon as she opened the closet, MIKE: Everything fell out, including her bowling ball. SERVO: The overstuffed closet, an oldie, but a goodie. >Nocturne emerged. ALL: Surprise! >He quickly covered her mouth before she could scream. CROW: So, Courtney Cox and Neve Campbell were gonna show up? >He wrapped his other arm around ALL: (singing) The old oak tree. >her belly and prepared to teleport to MIKE: The command center. >his asteroid. At that same time, at the staging area SERVO: For Riverdance. >on the moon, CROW: (as Ralph Kramden) To the moon, Rangers! >Bart was running a diagnostic on MIKE: His brain, after I bashed him with an aluminium bat. >Stretched Fury with Je.E.V.S. Mark II. SERVO: A Mark II Production. >Bart became distracted and disoriented by CROW: Fumes coming from the engine. >a telepathic flash MIKE: It's Psi-Corps. SERVO: (monotone) The Corps is mother, the corps is father, >he had. Like all Minutiaeites, ALL: Huh? >Bart had developed a telepathic link with SERVO: Psi-Cop Bester. >his lover, Ashley. ALL: Yahoo! >This link was affected by CROW: Jimmy Dean Sausages. MIKE: Huh? CROW: Link, sausage; you make the connection. >the distance between the ALL: (singing) Moon and New York City. >two, but Bart could tell there was trouble. MIKE: With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Power Rangers. >Bart quickly opened a SERVO: Frozen yogurt stand. >communications channel to the Astro Megaship, ALL: The where? >first on Ashley's private CROW: Dancer. MIKE: Thank you for keeping it clean. CROW: Just wait... >frequency. When he couldn't get through to her directly, MIKE: Even though he dialed 10-321. >he contacted the bridge. SERVO: He talked to Data and Counselor Troi. >TJ answered, "Astro Megaship, TJ here." "Teej, ALL: Teej? >this is Bart, I just picked up a CROW: Hitchhiker who seems like your type. Her name is Nuveena. >telepathic flash from Ash, MIKE: So, now it's a crossover with The Evil Dead Trilogy? >I think she may be in trouble. ALL: (singing) Someone's come along and burst her bubble. Yeah, yeah >Why don't you and Cass SERVO: Mama Cass? I thought she was dead? >go check on her." "No problem, CROW: Said ALF. >Bart," TJ responded. He put the channel MIKE: The Sci-Fi Channel, that is. >on hold, signaled Cassie, and the two of them SERVO: Started making out right there. >headed towards Ashley's quarters. CROW: Everybody wants her spare change, huh? > > Ten minutes later, Bart's communicator MIKE: Fell right off his uniform when he tapped it too hard. >chirped. "Teej?" ALL: Teej? >"Yeah Bart, Cassie and I got to Ashley's quarters and SERVO: Also her nickels, dimes, and pennies. >they were empty. Her closet was opened and clothes were CROW: Shamefully slutty. >spread apart, like someone was MIKE: Doing laundry. >hiding in it. We've got ALL: Movie Sign! >D.E.C.A. checking security logs SERVO: I'm checking Captain's logs. MIKE: Which captain? CROW: He's checking Janeway's really, really personal logs, to see how she really feels about her crew. >to see ALL: (singing) The Wizard, The wonderful Wizard of Oz. >who it was." Bart sighed, "Je.E.V.S. can CROW: Drive a limo like crazy. >handle things by himself, I'm MIKE: Giving Ashley to some guy named Mike Nelson. (BOTS groan) >teleporting there. Bart Out." SERVO: Lisa and Maggie In. >Bart quickly programed CROW: The VCR to record Must-See TV. >some orders into Je.E.V.S., MIKE: Always wear your cap. >giving the robot total SERVO: (as Arnie) Recall! >control of the mighty CROW: Thor! >Limozord. Soon, a silver and gold MIKE: So, Yukon Cornelius is a Power Ranger? >streak of light ALL: (singing) He arrives just in time. >left the moon headed towards the SERVO: Restaurant at the end of the universe. >Astro Megaship. Bart materialized on the bridge, and CROW: Scared the bejeezus out of Carlos. >walked over to the D.E.C.A. ALL: The What? >security console where TJ, Cassie, and Carlos were MIKE: Playing Solitaire. >gathered. 'What have you got, SERVO: That I ain't got? >guys?" Bart asked his teammates. D.E.C.A. responded, (ALL make R2D2 type noises) >"The most intriguing visuals I have ever analyzed. CROW: Something called The Playboy Channel. >We see Ashley open her CROW: Robe, and seeing as she'd just steeped out of the shower... MIKE: That's enough, Crow. >closet. Then we see her move MIKE: As gracefully as a gazelle. >back in shock SERVO: She saw Mike naked. (Mike slaps Servo) >and terror, CROW: Yep, definitely Mike naked. (MIKE slaps Crow) >struggling against... MIKE: Her feelings for Bart and her love of bad movies. >something. Then, she disappears, SERVO: Reappearing on a distant satellite in a theater. >but not through Ranger teleportation methods." CROW: She just fell into an Umbiliport. >Bart pondered for a moment, then came to a startling conclusion. >"A vampire" he thought to himself. MIKE: The first thought he'd ever had. > > Bart told his thoughts to the others. SERVO: Which only took half a second. >"A vampire would CROW: Have violated Ashley before disappearing. >not show up on monitoring devices, MIKE: Or in mirrors. >even D.E.C.A.'s advanced systems. And Rocky told me SERVO: (as Rocky The Squirrel) That trick never works. >he encountered our old `friend' CROW: Monica, who was telling me about Chandler... >Count Nocturne outside Ninjor's temple." ALL: Of Doom. >Carlos interjected, MIKE: (as Carlos) I get a line! >"If it is Nocturne, why didn't he go after me again?" SERVO: Cause he doesn't make the same mistake twice. >Bart thought for a CROW: Decade or two, by which time Ashley had been Queen of the Undead for sometime and a mother of five. >second, then said, "Perhaps he is not seeking recruits, but MIKE: His own, private pinup girl. >a mate." The others gasped (ALL gasp) >in shock. Bart continued, "If he did capture Ash SERVO: He's one of the Evil Dead, I guess. >to be his mate, we have three CROW: Mondays on the WB. >days before she becomes a vampire. MIKE: My neck awaits. >When mating, vampires use SERVO: Protection. >three bites to attempt conquest. ALL: Of the Planet of the Apes. >The first bite causes CROW: Nausea. >twenty-four hours of submission, ALL: All right! >the second causes MIKE: Drowsiness. >twenty-four hours of resistance and revulsion, MIKE: Close enough. >the third and final bite will SERVO: Prevent her from getting a good tan. >make her a vampire, and Nocturne's willing bride." CROW: We'll see about that, right fellas? (MIKE & SERVO mumble) CROW: Fellas? >Bart was an MIKE: Idiot of the highest caliber. >expert on vampires, and always kept a SERVO: Picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar near his heart. >vampire hunting kit in his chambers, CROW: Ooo, how Masterpiece Theater. >both here on the Megaship and at MIKE: Motel 6. >the mansion on Earth. Bart also had SERVO: A massive heart attack, and nobody found the body for a month. >a device which, combined with CROW: A quarter will get you a local phone call. >his telepathic link to Ashley, would allow him to MIKE: Influence her thoughts, making her stay in love with him. >track Ashley anywhere in the solar system. > > As Bart rushed SERVO: He was going Greek. >to his quarters on the Astro Megazord, Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >who fainted when CROW: She saw a picture of me. (MIKE and SERVO moan) >Nocturne teleported away with her, MIKE: There was too strong a smell of guano. >came MIKE: Don't do anything, Crow. >to in Nocturne's cave. SERVO: Underneath Stately Wayne Manor. >She found she was chained at the hands and feet CROW: How kinky. >to a large outcropping of stone, MIKE: Lt Stone? >which Nocturne used as a bed. SERVO: Get something posturepedic, Count. >She looked around, seeing only a few light sources, CROW: Like Rudolph's nose and Tinker Bell. >and not much else. Then, she looked at herself. MIKE: (falsetto) Man, am I hot? >Nocturne had stripped her down ALL: Woo-hoo! Yeah, baby! >to her undergarments. ALL: Good enough! >She realized why he brought her here; SERVO: He wanted to design a new wardrobe for her. >he wanted a bride, and CROW: She would be the matchmaker. >for some strange reason, ALL: Nothing strange about it. >Nocturne selected her. Ashley hoped that MIKE: A handsome, jumpsuit-wearing Temp would save her. (BOTS moan) >Bart was picking up anything her mind might be sending him. SERVO: I'm so beautiful. CROW: I'm to good for you, Bart. MIKE: I like Justin. BOTS: Huh? >She knew that Bart had been on CROW: Opium for most of his time on Earth. >the moon, but she didn't know where she was. MIKE: She's in a cave, she couldn't tell that? >All Ashley could tell was that she was in a cave, SERVO: Owned by Bruce Wayne. >but she didn't know where the cave was, CROW: Outside Gotham City. >she might not even be in MIKE: The DC Universe. >the solar system, which SERVO: Is made up of nine planets and a sun. >would hinder the telepathic link. CROW: Hinder? Hahahahahaha. >Then, she heard footsteps. MIKE: It was a dog. >Ashley was frightened, SERVO: But Beautiful. >her breathing was irregular, CROW: Her hair was perfect. >her heart was pounding like a bass drum in a parade. ALL: (singing) Seventy-six trombones led the big parade... >Then, Nocturne entered MIKE: Don't even think about it, Mister Robot. >the chamber, ALL: By John Grisham. >a blood lust in his eyes, Ashley's neck in his sights. SERVO: And lovin' on his mind. > > Back on the Astro Megaship, Bart was CROW: Running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to find a new, extremely attractive girl to manipulate into loving him. >preparing to look for ALL: Mr Goodbar. >Ashley. He loaded ALL: (singing) Up the truck and he moved to Beverly...Hills that is. (MIKE covers SERVO's mouth before he can do his Granny imitation.) >his equipment into a shuttle MIKE: The Galileo. >which Andros had given him in late 1998. SERVO: As a bribe. >Before coming to Earth, Bart, then Micron the Shrinker, CROW: What a strange name. >was a prominent MIKE: Loser. >space traveler on Minutiae. Andros, seeing the SERVO: Beauty that is Ashley, needed a way to eliminate Bart. >wanderlust in Bart, gave him a CROW: Wedgie like you wouldn't believe. >small shuttle that was a minor, MIKE: So no drinking. >non-essential component of the Megaship. Since then, Bart had made >the vessel his own, naming it The Ashley, after the woman he loves. SERVO: I guess he got that idea from Forrest Gump. >Using the CROW: Force, he defeated the Wampa, before seeing the ghost of Ben. >psionic tracker, Bart had determined she was in a MIKE: World of hurt. >recently discovered asteroid field CROW: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >beyond the orbit of Pluto. SERVO: What does Mickey Mouse's dog have to do with all this? >Bart would have to travel CROW: To the Planet of the Apes. >at sub-light speeds, as he was MIKE: A terrible warp scientist. >still within the solar system. SERVO: That didn't stop the Borg. >That would place him there in two and a half days. CROW: Unless he had to stop for gas. >Bart prayed to MIKE: Crom, god of the Cimmerians. >the lords of Minutiae, and invoked the name of SERVO: Golan-Globus. >The Prime One, ALL: Optimus? >ruler of all Minutiae, in hopes that ALL: St Nicholas soon would be there. >he would not arrive to late to prevent CROW: (as Smokey Bear) Forest Fires. >the third bite. If he did, he would have to MIKE: Look for a new girl. >slay Nocturne before Ashley tasted blood, MIKE: Preferably mine. (BOTS groan) >or she would be lost SERVO: Like the Minnow. >to him forever. As he departed, a CROW: Stray piece of cosmic junk destroyed his shuttle. >holo-image of Ashley, which he used for MIKE: Do I have to say anything, Crow? CROW: Maybe. >inspiration, was activated. > > While Bart traveled towards Pluto, SERVO: (as Mickey Mouse) Down Boy, stop doing that to my leg. >many things happened, CROW: Ashley became a vampire, the Rangers were defeated, and Earth was destroyed. SERVO: I guess Mike is in this story. MIKE: Ha ha. >Andros and Carlos discovered MIKE: The secret of cold fusion. >the evil cogs in SERVO: Every episode of Zeo. >the transformation mechanism, CROW: A big setback to the Autobots. >but only Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >or Bart ALL: Loser! >had the skills MIKE: Xena has many skills. >to remove them. Until Bart SERVO: killed Sideshow Bob... >returned, with or without Ashley, CROW: Yahoo! >Astro Megazord was useless. MIKE: Much like this story. >Divatox's space base, SERVO: A cheap rip-off Death Star. >the first wave CROW: Surf's Up, dude! >of the attack force, was destroyed by MIKE: Well armed teddy bears. >the zords in the Mars/Jupiter asteroid belt. ALL: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >Divatox and her crew, SERVO: A motley bunch, they be. >however, fled in the subcraft. CROW: Down scope! >The Rangers on the Moon took over MIKE: The Green Cheese factory. >Zedd and Rita's palace, which was converted into a SERVO: Howard Johnson's >field CROW: Of Dreams. >command center. It was linked to the subterranean chamber MIKE: Like Atlantis. SERVO: So they ran into Kathy Ireland? >where Dimitria and Alpha 7 monitored SERVO: The Super Tuesday primaries. >activities. There was one crushing blow dealt to CROW: A giant by a brave little tailor. >the Rangers. An elite strike team, lead by MIKE: Jax and Sonya Blade. >Astronema herself, landed SERVO: Air Force One. >in downtown Angel Grove and released CROW: Charlie Manson. >one of the most evil beings in the universe, ALL: Pearl? >Ivan Ooze. MIKE: He fought Indiana Jones, you know. >Using advanced teleportation, the pieces of ALL: Eight. >the Ectomorphicon Titans, SERVO: But they were defeated by Harry Hamlin and a robot owl. >Scorpitron and Hornitor, CROW: Did he say Horny-tor? MIKE: Crow! >were brought to the Dark Fortress for assembly. MIKE: Batteries not included. >Ooze's presence temporarily shifted SERVO: Into Turbo! >the balance of power to Dark Spectre's forces. > > By the time ALL: (singing) I get to Phoenix... >Bart CROW: Eat my shorts, Skinner. >arrived at Nocturne's asteroid, ALL: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >Nocturne had given Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >two bites. MIKE: For the price of one. >For her first twenty-four hours of captivity, she had SERVO: Fallen asleep when he tried to woo her. >given herself to CROW: Me. MIKE: No, Me! SERVO: Actually, it was Justin. ALL: Eeeewwwww! >Nocturne, thanks to the effects of MIKE: Vodka and tequila mixed together. >the first bite. After the second bite, Nocturne ravished her, ALL: You go, batty. >for her will SERVO: She left everything to Alpha. >to resist him was intensified by a factor of three. CROW: Larry, Moe, and Shemp. >Before going to a regenerative chamber, MIKE: The slagin' R Chamber! >Nocturne had placed Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >in a black outfit, which left almost nothing to the imagination. ALL: Oh, baby! >She was once again chained to Nocturne's "bed", SERVO: And was she wrinkling the "sheets". >and now, all that was left was waiting. CROW: For Godot. MIKE: I was in Waiting for Godot. SERVO: Yeah, in a sailor suit. >Nocturne told her MIKE: You will be married to a man in a jumpsuit who is forced to watch terrible movies. (BOTS moan) >he would return shortly before SERVO: Sunrise, when he would turn to dust. >eleven pm, giving him one hour to CROW: Get in on! Bang her gong! >conquer her before the third bite. MIKE: Of a thick, juicy Big Mac. >The third bite, when SERVO: Executed properly, causes a person to become their own master. >mating, must be delivered CROW: By Fed-Ex. >precisely at midnight. MIKE: What time zone? >According to a clock which Nocturne had left with her, it was SERVO: 12:01, he was late. >10:45 pm. He would be back CROW: So, he's the Terminator? >within fifteen minutes. She developed a plan MIKE: Since it's Ashley, it'll be a good one. >to avoid the third bite. She would play up to him, SERVO: She should play up to us. >in hopes of him unchaining her. CROW: Hercules Unchained! >She would then use the Tor Ek Nal that Bart MIKE: Flunked! >had taught her to SERVO: Break the chains. >fight off Nocturne, at least until after midnight. > (SERVO moves to MIKE's lap) (ALL exit theater) [Door Sequence] [Bridge] MIKE: I hope someone saves Ashley from Nocturne. CROW: Yeah, the only good vampire is a defeated vampire. SERVO: What about Vampirella? MIKE: Hmmm, yeah. Just imagine, Ashley running around in an outfit like Vampirella's? CROW: Of course, her's would be yellow, not red. SERVO: And I doubt she could fill it out like Vampi. MIKE: You've been hanging out with Crow waaaaaaay tooooo long. [Commercial sign light flashes] MIKE: We'll be right back. [MST3K Logo] [What seems to be one very, very, very long psychic ad.] (ALL re-enter theater) > Luckily, for Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >Bart MIKE: Managed to get Milhouse and Nelson to help him. >arrived in the chamber ALL: By John Grisham. >before Nocturne. "Ash! SERVO: He's wandered into S-Mart? >Oh, love that outfit." CROW: Love that Bob! >he said, happily. "I'll give it to you!" MIKE: (as Bart) But it's not my color! >Ashley laughed. (ALL laugh uproariously) >"Oh Bart, SERVO: You're my least favorite Simpson. >thank goodness you got here before CROW: I had my first taste of blood, now you can feed me! >Nocturne. You don't know what MIKE: Love is, but Mike Nelson does! (Yes, BOTS moan!) >I've been through in the past forty-eight hours." SERVO: Starring Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte. >"I can imagine, lover," ALL: Arrrrgggghhhhh! >he told her, "remember, I'm CROW: (as Bart) An idiot! >an expert on vampires." MIKE: Just like Buffy! >Bart hesitated before unchaining SERVO: The melody. >her, to make sure she was still ALL: Perfect! >human. He knew Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >loved the smell of CROW: Napalm in the morning, it smells like, victory. >fresh garlic, especially when Bart (ALL sigh annoyed) >was cooking MIKE: With gas. >for her. Like his cousins, he had become a SERVO: Sushi chef. CROW: If you knew Sushi like I knew Sushi! >master gourmet chef, and was especially fond of CROW: Yan Can Cook! >Italian cuisine. He opened MIKE: A nice little Italian bistro. >up his Vampire Hunting Kit and took out a SERVO: Full-page ad in the paper, revealing all the Power Rangers secrets. >clove of garlic. Grabbing a garlic press, CROW: Is that important for hunting vampires? >he let the aroma of garlic fill the air. MIKE: Like tear gas. >"Oooooh, fresh garlic," Ashley squealed with delight, SERVO: Oh, Tom Servo! (MIKE and CROW moan) >"Cook me some CROW: Boiled water, that's the only thing you don't burn. >lasagna when we get home." "Still human, MIKE: So, she's still a babe! ALL: Yes! >great," Bart thought. SERVO: Highly unusual for him. >He then spoke to Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >"Sure thing, baby. And then, someday, I'll cook it for our kids." CROW: That sounds bad. >Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >was surprised, "If that's a proposal, I MIKE: Can't marry you, Mike would kill you. (Again, BOTS moan) >accept. Now, how about unchaining ALL: (singing to the tune of Unchained Melody) Oh, Ashley, my darling... >me before Nocturne arrives." > > Before Bart SERVO: Let's start booing him again. ALL: Boooooo! >could unchain his now fiance, (ALL sob) >Nocturne arrived. "Stay away from my bride." ALL: That's _my_ bride! _Your_ bride? >Bart ALL: Booo! >responded boldly, >"Make me!" as he drew a CROW: Picture of the sun. >wooden stake from his kit. "My associates MIKE: Torgo and Ortega. >shall delay you until SERVO: (as Nocturne) Ashley is with child. >midnight, while I prepare to consummate my marriage," CROW: Who's performing this marriage? I mean, they're in a cave on an asteroid out past Pluto. No judges, no ministers, no Captains of ships. >Nocturne tells Bart MIKE: Eat my shorts, Simpson. >as a small army, consisting of SERVO: The Side-Hackers, the Cave Dwellers, and the Teenagers from Outer Space. >Zedd-Putties, Tengas, Cogs, CROW: Cogswell Cogs? >and the infamous Pudgy Pig, ALL: Sooooooooeeeeeey! >surround the lone Crowmeowme. MIKE: Hi-yo, lamer, away! >Nocturne then turns his attentions to Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >within sixty minutes, my dear, SERVO: You will have to spend A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney. >you shall be mine. CROW: Or you shall be dinner. >And he," pointing to Bart, ALL: Booooooo! >"shall be your first feast." ALL: Eat him. Eat Him! >Nocturne stood over Ashley's near-naked form, (ALL make cat calls and wolf whistles) >chanting an incantation in a language MIKE: Ancient Japanese. >Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >didn't recognize. Bart, ALL: Boooooooo! >however, recognized that SERVO: As the Love Theme from Cave Dwellers. >incantation from his studies of vampires. "Ash, CROW: Can you get me a job at S-Mart? >if he completes that incantation, MIKE: Is that something they take care of at Conjunction Junction? >you'll be able to bear his children, SERVO: Or at least make him a sandwich. >and any `seeds' he may have implanted within you earlier will `germinate'." CROW: Bart's got a thing for gardening metaphors, doesn't he? >Bart ALL: Boooooooooooo! >was then overwhelmed by MIKE: The trill from Dulcea's staff. >a pair of putties, SERVO: Beanie and Cecil? >whom he eliminated with elbows to the Z. CROW: So, he's fighting Zorro? >At five minutes until midnight, only Pudgy Pig ALL: Sooooooooooeeeeeeey! >and Nocturne, still chanting, MIKE: He's a Gregorian monk? >remained. > > Bart remembered stories that Brian and Kim had told him and Willy of >Pudgy Pig. SERVO: And Porky Pig. >He remembered how easily he was dispatched CROW: By a picture of Ratliff. >after eating some spicy ALL: Girls! >foods. He threw several cloves of garlic MIKE: Garlic isn't spicy. >into Pudgy's open mouth, SERVO: Say aaaaaahhhhhhhh! >but they weren't spicy enough to phase him. CROW: Call Kitty Pryde. >Time was running out, four minutes MIKE: Left in the game, no time-outs, score is tied. >till midnight, and the incantation was nearly complete. SERVO: He just had to say The End. >"Time to kill two boards with one stone," CROW: Uh, Bart, it's two _birds_ with one stone. >Bart thought, "Or rather, one well placed tor-ka." ALL: Tor-ka? >A tor-ka is a Tor Ek Nal kick, ALL: Oh? >and Bart executed MIKE: Himself. >it like the grandmaster he was, knocking Pudgy Pig into Nocturne, SERVO: Vampire in the corner pocket. >disrupting the chanting. CROW: And boy, were those monks mad. >Two minutes MIKE: Until self destruction. >to midnight, Bart grabbed SERVO: His garlic and left, saving his cowardly self, but not Ashley. >a wooden stake and lunged at CROW: Pudgy Pig, thinking the stake was a cooking spit. >Nocturne, driving ALL: (singing) Like the demon is on your feet. >the stake into the count's MIKE: Wallet. >heart with his bare SERVO: Head. >hands. As Nocturne disintegrated, CROW: What a world, what a world. >Pudgy Pig turned into a chicken, ALL: Chicken Boo? >fleeing with his curly MIKE: Woo,woo,woo, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. >tail between his legs. Bart, ALL: Booooooo! >not seeing a key for the shackles, SERVO: Or the male chastity belt Nocturne slapped on Bart. >uses his un-Earthly strength to separate CROW: Church and state. >the cuffs from the chains. "We'll MIKE: Have to cut off your hands and feet to remove them. >cut those open once we get back to the ALL: Future! >Megaship." he tell her, SERVO: (as Bart) I can't be happy with you. >before she initiates CROW: Megazord sequence. >the most passionate kiss the two have ever shared. (ALL gag) > > Bart and Ashley board The MIKE: Loooooove Boat. >Ashley, Bart sets the ship SERVO: To self destruct after delivering Ashley to us. >on homing pilot, a computer system which will CROW: Do his taxes and surf the Net at the same time. >automatically return the ship to the Megaship. ALL: Where? >Since they have roughly two and a half days alone, MIKE: And no bedroom, so it'll be a loooonnnnnggg voyage. >they go to the cargo bay/bedroom ALL: D'oh! >and "relax", SERVO: Just repeat to yourself, it's just a fanfic. >even though Ashley has metal cuffs on her wrists and ankles. CROW: Bart liked it kinky. >Meanwhile, final preperations for the MIKE: Destruction of Alderaan. >great battle are being made in the asteroid belt ALL: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >and on the moon. All Zords SERVO: Are busy, please try you call again. >are fully charged and readied, all hand weapons are CROW: Locked and loaded. >kept at the ready. By the time Bart ALL: Boooooooo! >and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >arrive back at the Megaship, all MIKE: (as C-3PO) Systems have been alerted to your presence. CROW: Stick to humans, Mike. >but the Megaship itself are at SERVO: Denny's. >maximum ready status. While Bart ALL: Boooooo! >removes the cogs, Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >tells the others the details of her captivity, CROW: Every seductive detail. >her rescue, MIKE: By me. (BOTS moan yet again) >and Bart's proposal. SERVO: As Indecent as it was. >Cassie wishes the Phantom Ranger would be so romantic. CROW: She doesn't even know what he looks like, or if he's a he. >When Bart arrives at the bridge MIKE: On the River Kwai. >with the removed cogs, Carlos tell him, SERVO: (as Carlos) Give me Ashley or I'll break your leg. >"Just say the word, and Teej and I'll throw you CROW: From the top of the Sears Tower. >the wildest bachelor party Angel Grove has ever seen." MIKE: You mean it would actually have strippers and stag films? >"We'll see, SERVO: Or not. >after the battle." Bart ALL: Booooooooooo! >replies. Andros, ALL: Who? >with a confused look on his face, asks, "What is a bachelor party?" CROW: He's obviously not from Earth. > > With MIKE: Ashley marrying Bart, I have nothing left to live for. SERVO: Except Must See TV. MIKE: OK, I've got one thing left to live for. >the cogs removed, the Astro Megaship is SERVO: About to fall apart. >made battle-ready, and just in CROW: Case, aren't you glad you used Dial? >time. Within hours of Bart ALL: Booooooo! >and Ashley's MIKE: Blinding beauty. >return, the full armada of evil SERVO: Captures Mike to use as their ultimate planet destroying weapon. (BOTS laugh) MIKE: Very funny, guys. >appears just past Neptune. CROW: Though the Greeks call him Poseidon. >Bart ALL: Boooooooooooo! >signals the other Rangers, MIKE: With a giant spotlight. >then, Brian, Bob, and Bart SERVO: The New Three Stooges. >lead the others in a Minutiaeian war preparation chant, CROW: Again with the chanting? >which the warriors of ALL: Virtue. >Minutiae have used for over a million years. MIKE: They should get something more modern. >Two minutes SERVO: Left in the game, but not in the story. >after the end of the ALL: (singing) World as we know it. >chant, the AstroMegazord engaged CROW: So Jean-Luc Picard is in charge? >the enemy in battle. Five ALL: (singing) Golden rings. >AstroZords launched to join the fray, MIKE: Then use a different rope. >taking out Quadrafighters and other SERVO: Strangers. >small attack craft. The strength of the CROW: Bear, Eyes of the Hawk, Ears of the Wolf, Speed of the Puma. >attacking force pushed the Astro Rangers back to the ALL: Future! >Asteroid belt, ALL: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >and the second MIKE: Hand of the clock was broken. >line of defense. ZeoUltrazord aided SERVO: Hey, ZeoUltrazord-Aid! CROW: (as Kool-Aid Man) Oh No! >AstroMegazord in battle, taking out nearly one CROW: Week to defeat one fighter craft. >quarter of the enemy fleet, including MIKE: The Super-Star Destroyer. >Serpenterra. As the battle progressed, the SERVO: Zords ran out of fuel. >moon-based Rangers left for CROW: Mexico. >Mars orbit, where they would engage MIKE: (as Picard) Make it so! >the enemy if they made it past the asteroid belt. ALL: (as Darth Vader) Asteroids do not concern me. >And they did, forcing AstroMegazord and ZeoUltrazord through the SERVO: Black hole. >massive expanse of CROW: Strip clubs and sex stores. >colliding rocks, but losing another eighth of MIKE: A ton of mass. >their fleet in the process. > > Before the Rangers could press SERVO: Their pants. >the attack and gain CROW: Muscle Mass. >the advantage, the Dark Fortress released MIKE: The hounds! >the modified Ectomorphicon Titans. Hornitor CROW: Horny-tor! >soon placed RescueMegazord in a SERVO: Figure-Four leg lock! >bear hug, attempting to crush ALL: Orange crush? >it, and the Robot Rangers inside. CROW: Quick, save the Robot Ashley! >Scorpitron was attacking MegaLimozord, Zeo Zord Prime, MIKE: That's just prime. >and FalconNinjazord. SERVO: The Blue Falcon? >The addition of the Ectomorphicon Titans CROW: And the head of Medusa. >more than made up for the loss of MIKE: Blood. >ships, and the enemy seemed to SERVO: Blend in with the blackness of space. >have the upper hand. Several ships broke through the line, CROW: But John Sheridan stopped them. SERVO: The Starkiller! >planning on destroying MIKE: The Rebel Base! >the Earth. The ships were set to SERVO: Self destruct in five seconds. >destroy Earth, when something CROW: Happened! >destroyed them. From out of nowhere, ALL: Part 2. >a ship appeared, heading towards the fray. MIKE: Change the rope already! >Brian easily recognized it as SERVO: The Millennium Falcon. >an Eltarian battle cruiser, but no CROW: One was on board. >Eltarian ship had cloaking devices MIKE: Since they aren't Klingons or Romulans. CROW: What about the Defiant? >or invisibility fields. Cassie, however, knew who was on that ship. SERVO: Ed McMahon. >"It's him," CROW: Captain Chaos? >she screamed MIKE: Is she Neve or Courtney? >over the comm channels, "it's just got to be him." ALL: (singing) I gotta be me! >Cassie knew, SERVO: Her library books were overdue. >in her heart, CROW: She didn't rewind the tape before returning it. >it was the Phantom ALL: Of the opera? >Ranger, her unrequited love. MIKE: Ivanova said All love is unrequited. SERVO: After Marcus died, right? CROW: And after she met Morphos Multus of Zordonus. (ALL shudder) >The next ALL: Mutation! >message over the comm channel confirmed it. SERVO: It was pipe organ music. >"Power Rangers," the distinctive voice of CROW: The late Johnny Olsen told them to Come on Down! >the Phantom Ranger crackled, "help has arrived." > > Phantom Ranger transmitted MIKE: The Death Star plans to Princess Leia's consular ship. >battle instructions to the Rangers. "Aim SERVO: Toothpaste! >for the CROW: (as Casey Kasem) Ground and keep reaching for the stars. >many antennae on the Dark Fortress," Phantom MIKE: The Ghost who Walks? >told the others, "without them, the majority of the battle SERVO: Of the Planets. MIKE: I remember that show, it was a Sandy Frank Production. (BOTS sing Sandy Frank Song) >fleet will be useless." Immediately, every CROW: Ranger becomes a yellow ranger. >weapon in the Power Rangers arsenal was aimed at the MIKE: Phantom Ranger. >multitude of antennae on the SERVO: Crowmeowme Estate, they pick up more channels than the Psychic Friends Hotline. >fearsome Dark Fortress. Despite a CROW: Distracting fan-dance by Ashley. SERVO: Is that a Star Trek V ref? (ALL scream in terror) >mighty barrage of MIKE: Slim Jims and Trucker Tapes. >enemy lasers, the Rangers SERVO: Of NIMH. >managed to destroy every ALL: (singing) Mountain. >single antenna. Without CROW: A doubt, this story is almost over. >means of communicating with the Dark Fortress, MIKE: Home of Darth Vader. >the majority of the enemy fleet was in a state of confusion, ALL: (singing) Confusion, confusion, confusion... >and easily defeated. SERVO: Must be clones of Rito and Elgar. >That left only the Ectomorphicons CROW: It's Ectormorphin Time! >and the Dark Fortress. MIKE: Wasn't that in Krull? >The AstroMegazord and ZeoUltrazord attacked SERVO: Each other. >the Dark Fortress, keeping it from CROW: Vanishing into hyperspace. >aiming it's many lasers at Earth, while the majority MIKE: Leader of the Senate ran for the Presidency. >of the Ranger fleet attacked Hornitor CROW: Horny-tor? MIKE: That's enough, Crow. >and Scorpitron. "Never SERVO: Say Never Again. >a comet when you need one," CROW: Why do they need cleanser? >Brian told the others, thinking of his movie. MIKE: Which movie, Sally Sue? >Ninjor SERVO: Of the Mounties. >and the Alien Rangers managed to defeat Scorpitron, CROW: He shoots, he score-pitrons. >while Hornitor CROW: Hor... MIKE:Ahem! >was easily vanquished by the legendary TurboMegazord spin-out. ALL: Nooooooooo! >Now, only the Dark Fortress remained. > > The Ranger fleet turned it's SERVO: Fleet-wide radio crank to FRANK. >attention MIKE: At ease! >to the Dark Fortress. Inside, SERVO: Cal and Ruth prepared for the journey to Metaluna. >Dark Spectre knew what to do. CROW: Is he HR Pufnstuf? >"Astronema," he bellowed, MIKE: So, he's a blacksmith. >"aim that special SERVO: Smile of yours this way. >beam at what remains of CROW: The Day. >Muranthias. Let ALL: Our Powers Combine! >my brother, MIKE: Light Spectre. >Maligore, SERVO: Divatox's fiance? >live again." CROW: Maybe he'll make Kim evil again, she was sooooo sultry. >Astronema obediently ALL: Good Astronema, Sit! >activated a strange, MIKE: Dr Strange? >red SERVO: Ranger. >ray, aimed at the remains of CROW: The Parthenon. >the island of Muranthias. MIKE: Maybe they'll miss and hit Justin. >The massive rock formations SERVO: Stonehenge? >which had once been the fearsome Maligore CROW: Brother of Al Gore. >were re-animated. "Now," Dark Spectre commanded, MIKE: Make my monster grow! >"Super-energize (ALL make bass-drum sounds, ala Energizer Bunny) >him and place him in the center SERVO: Square. >of Angel Grove." A purple beam CROW: Nooooo, it's Barney. >replaced the red one, moving from MIKE: Point A to Point B. >Muranthias to SERVO: Anahiem, Azuza, and Coo-camunga. >Angel Grove. Alpha 7's voice ALL: Oy-oy-oy! >echoed CROW: Ricola, la, la, la, la. >through the fleet. "Ok-ok-ok, ALL: Kill him now. >Maligore MIKE: The Big Lava guy. >is back, and he's SERVO: Painting the town red. CROW: With lava. >turning Angel Grove into CROW: A volcanic beach. >a land fill. We need ALL: (singing) A little Christmas, right this very minute. >as many as you can spare down here a.s.a.p." MIKE: Who are you calling a sap? >Without a thought, DinoUltrazord, SERVO: Knocked Fred over as he came home from the quarry. >NinjaMegaFalconzord, CROW: Is that a Van Damme movie? >and TurboMegazord MIKE: No spin-out, please. >were attacking Maligore, SERVO: Can you take Pepto for that? >while the others CROW: Manny, Moe, and Jack. >kept attacking the Dark MIKE: Crystal. >Fortress. Both battles were SERVO: Hopeless causes for the Rangers. >fierce, with the Earth-bound Rangers CROW: Surrendering after five minutes. >defeating Maligore, MIKE: He's a wimp. >before more of Angel Grove SERVO: Can be filmed. >could be decimated, but in space, the CROW: Lack of gravity mis-directed the battle. >battle was going the other way. > > The Dark Fortress has MIKE: All the options, at no extra cost. >disabled all but SERVO: Tiny Tim Cratchit. >the AstroMegazord, and now the two behemoths were locked in a >titanic struggle. CROW: With Leonardo di Caprio and Kate Winslet? >The two sides kept turning the tide MIKE: And the Cheer. >back and forth SERVO: Forth and back, all day long, that's all I do. >for what CROW: It's worth, we don't care. >seemed like hours. MIKE: Because it was. >Bart ALL: Booooooooooo! >and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >were kept busy with SERVO: Their passion for each other. >repair after repair, system after system, CROW: Day after day, time after time. >trying to keep the AstroMegazord at MIKE: A level that will pass state inspections. >peak performance. "Even with my un-Earthly stamina," CROW: You're waaay too much woman for me to stay up _that_ long, Ashley. MIKE: CROW! >Bart ALL: Booooooooo! >told Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >"I'm being run SERVO: Over by a steam-roller. >ragged. I just hope that these repairs are making a difference." CROW: Yeah, it's causing you to lose. >"I hope so, too," Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >responded, MIKE: She responds better for me. (BOTS moan yet again) >"With the group that went to SERVO: Vegas flat busted. >take out Maligore now CROW: Destroyed. >rescuing the others, ALL: What others? >before they lose their life-support systems, BOTS: No big loss. MIKE: To you robots, yes, but to us humans... >we're pretty much Earth's last hope." MIKE: (as Yoda) No, there is another. >Just as Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >finished saying that, SERVO: She kneed Bart in his "manhood". >a massive blast from the ALL: Past! >Dark Fortress disabled AstroMegazord's most crucial system, CROW: The galley! >the engine stabilizer. CROW: Oh, that. >The young lovers MIKE: Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue? >turned their complete attention to SERVO: The latest episode of Third Rock from the Sun. >the stabilizer, for if that failed, CROW: It's parents would ground it for a month. >the AstroMegazord would self-destruct. MIKE: Like a tape for Peter Graves. >They worked for ten minutes, SERVO: Unfortunately, they worked on their golf game. >but to no avail. CROW: Avail? Vhere's a vhale? >The engine would MIKE: Flood, cause TJ kept hitting the gas. >de-stabilize within fifteen minutes, SERVO: Sounds like a warp core breach. >destroying the AstroMegazord, and all within. CROW: No, sounds like Mike trying to be helpful. Boom! MIKE: Not funny. > > Bart ALL: Boooooooooo! >and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >went to the bridge MIKE: After a stop at Ten Forward. >to tell the others SERVO: Drinks are on the house. >of their dire situation in person. CROW: They're foolish not to do it from the safety of an escape pod. >D.E.C.A. informed them, MIKE: What's a D.E.C.A.? >"I estimate ten minutes until destruction." SERVO: Just enough time for a group quickie. MIKE: You've been hanging out with Crow too long. >Andros inquired, "D.E.C.A., CROW: You're fired! >would the destruction be enough to MIKE: End this story? >destroy the Dark Fortress?" SERVO: And Valeria? >After a few CROW: Hours... >seconds of computation, D.E.C.A. ALL: What? >replied, "If we were close enough, MIKE: But they don't use Arid Extra-Dry. >the explosion would destroy SERVO: Ator and the dull old guy. >both the AstroMegazord and the Dark Fortress." ALL: The what and the where? >Andros immediately took charge, CROW: Visa and Master Card. >"All right, Cassie,you man the helm, steer us right for the ALL: Heart of the Sun. >Dark Fortress. TJ, keep a tractor beam lock on MIKE: The Millennium Falcon. >them, so they don't try to escape. SERVO: (as Darth Vader) Escape is not his plan. I must face him. Alone. >Carlos, keep the weapons CROW: Out of reach of children. >firing, we'll MIKE: Drain every last bit of energy out of this puppy. >make them think we're pressing the attack SERVO: Or our pants. >in a suicide run." Bart ALL: Boooooooo! >and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >asked in unison, "What about CROW: Scarecrow's Brain? >us?" Andros told them, MIKE: You're destined to live on as characters in bad fanfics. >"It only takes four of us to do SERVO: The Hokey-Pokey. >this, the two of you evacuate. You CROW: Must deliver Ashley safely to the Satellite of Love. >have your whole lives ahead of you." MIKE: More or less. >Bart ALL: Boooooo! >and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >said farewell to SERVO: Hopefully, each other. >their closest friends, SERVO: Sounds like each other. >and then, reluctantly CROW: Went on with the fanfic. >headed towards The ALL: Loooove Boat. >Ashley. The small shuttle departed MIKE: For Tatooine, Vulcan, and Gobotron. >and entered Earth's atmosphere SERVO: As Earth was destroyed by Mike. >just as the engines of the Megaship reached critical mass. > > Bart ALL: Boooooooo! MIKE: The story's almost over, let's let him rest. >turned the ship around CROW: (as Han Solo) Chewie, lock in the auxillary power. >in time for MIKE: High tea. >the two of SERVO: Spades. >them to witness CROW: Starring Harrison Ford. >the explosion. MIKE: Don't look at me. >It was both the most beautiful ALL: Ashley? >and tragic SERVO: Oh, Hamlet. >site they had ever CROW: Created. >seen. They wept MIKE: For me, not getting Ashley. (Yes, bots moan again) >for the loss of SERVO: Seinfeld. >their friends CROW: That show's not going anywhere. >and teammates, though, if they had been MIKE: Better engineers, it _might_ not have blown up. >monitoring the scanners, they would have seen a small, SERVO: Thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. >unidentifiable blip CROW: Space Ghost's monkey? >moving ALL: (singing) On up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. >out of MIKE: Africa. >range just before the explosion. BOTS: Mike? MIKE: What? >Was it the Megaship's logs being ejected? SERVO: From an 8-track player. >Or was it the Phantom CROW: Billy Zane? >Ranger's ship, having rescued Cassie at the last second. ALL: Who cares? >That is a mystery for another MIKE: Long, boring fanfic. >day. Meanwhile, at SERVO: Stately Wayne Manor. >the Crowmeowme Estate, the other Rangers looked at the explosion, >fearing CROW: Mike Nelson had been there. MIKE: CROOOOOOOW! CROW: That's one O! >all six Rangers were lost. MIKE: Like the Minnow. >Brian and Bob ALL: Losers! >wept for the presumed loss of SERVO: A fancy-shmancy spaceship. >their cousin, CROW: No big loss. >before they celebrated their pyrrhic ALL: Huh? >victory against the forces of MIKE: Skeletor. >evil. Soon, a shadow SERVO: Oh no, another B5 crossover. >was cast CROW: Like dice. >over the group, and they feared MIKE: Londo had sent them. >it was one last SERVO: Round-up. >assault. They were pleasantly surprised when CROW: The Looney Tunes characters emerged. >The Ashley landed in the middle of the MIKE: Kim's rose garden. >private airfield. Bart SERVO: Eat my shorts! >and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >shared the tale of CROW: Two cities. >their friends' (ALL clap hands four times) >sacrifice, and of their engagement. (ALL sob loudly) >A bit of sadness and a lot of cheer ALL: Norm! >fills the remaining Rangers' hearts. > > A few MIKE: Good Men. >days SERVO: Inn? >later, a memorial service was held, CROW: In honor of many stations across the country losing UPN, depriving horny Trekkies and Trekkers of Seven of Nine. >honoring not only MIKE: My loss of Ashley. (Bots moan one last time) >the fallen Rangers, SERVO: They've fallen and they can't get up. >but Billy's CROW: RadBug. >family as well. Even though only a few Rangers MIKE: The Army of Light? >had met Cestria, and none of them had SERVO: Been to Aquitar. >met their offspring, the assembled Rangers CROW: Avengers Assemble, not Rangers. >mourned Billy's loss. MIKE: His glasses. >Billy was comforted by both SERVO: Kim and Kat, who secretly thought he was a hunk. >Brian, who was his best friend CROW: Like a dog. >before Billy left for Aquitar, and by SERVO: Tommy, who had given up women. >Trini, ALL: Kali! >for whom Billy has secretly harbored MIKE: A pontoon boat. >feelings. A morphed Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >were given SERVO: Medals of valor. >the un-enviable task of CROW: Telling her parents they were engaged. >telling TJ, Cassie, and Carlos' families of their secret MIKE: They were closet X-Philes. >and their sacrifice. SERVO: I guess they were virgins. >Brian sent an anonymous CROW: Bomb to Tommy. >release to the mass MIKE: I didn't know they were Catholic. >media, letting them know what the explosion in the sky was, SERVO: It was Snoopy and the Red Baron. >as well as of the sacrifice of four Power Rangers, CROW: In an ancient Sumerian ritual. >the only four whose identities would be MIKE: Obscured by the mists of time. >revealed to the general public of Earth. SERVO: Doesn't the general public watch Power Rangers? >Within a few days, things were getting back to normal. CROW: Which is a relative term in Angel Grove. >Repairs to both Angel Grove and the Crowmeowme mansion were MIKE: Bankrupting the family. >going well. The many zords were SERVO: Totalled beyond repair. >fully repaired and placed on CROW: The scrap heap. >stand-by, should they ever be needed. MIKE: But they wouldn't be of much use, as they were out of fuel. >Dulcea returned to Phaedos, SERVO: Where she starred in a Jackie Chan movie. >and the Alien Rangers returned to ALL: The Planet of the Apes. >Aquitar, to help repair their homeworld. > > By April 1, Billy's birthday, CROW: That's almost too easy a set-up. >things were back to normal. MIKE: Which, as stated earlier, is a relative term in Angel Grove. >Billy had just returned from SERVO: The Planet of the Apes. >Aquitar, where he buried his CROW: Time capsule. >loved ones and settled his affairs, MIKE: He was cheating on Cestria? >before returning to his homeworld. ALL: Minutiae? >Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >continued their wedding plans, (ALL moan and sob) >and decide to leave SERVO: Earth for their honeymoon. >four color-coded chairs empty, CROW: The three of us, plus Gypsy. >as a tribute to their fallen comrades. CROW: Oh, them. >Trini had moved back to MIKE: City of Angels. >Angel Grove, for she admitted that she SERVO: Was a cold-blooded killer. >had feelings for Billy as well. CROW: Because she's the only one who can translate him. >The two of them were starting to build a MIKE: Log cabin in the wilderness. >relationship. SERVO: Based on techno-babble. CROW: The correct Power Rangers term is "Billy Speak". SERVO: Fan boy. >In mid-April, the Rangers went east for Jason and Emily's wedding. ALL: Awwwwww! >It was a beautiful ceremony, and Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >took notes for their impending marriage. ALL: Why? WHY? >Brian loaned the newlyweds his CROW: Video, 1001 Ways to Have a Passionate Honeymoon. MIKE: Really? SERVO: Remember, before their honeymoon was over, Kim was pregnant with Willy? MIKE: I tried to block out most of the earlier tales of the Crowmeowmes. >private yacht, Kim's Glory, MIKE: He took boat naming tips from Forrest Gump. >for their honeymoon. SERVO: (Demonic voice) To Oblivion >Jason told his former teammate, CROW: (as Jason) Can I borrow Kim too? >"We'll have it back in Angel Grove harbor MIKE: Angel Grove has a harbor? SERVO: It has everything. >before Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >tie the knot." SERVO: On the nooses for our necks. >After the wedding, the Rangers went CROW: Straight to Hell. >to Crowmeowme Castle MIKE: For sooth! >in England, SERVO: Pip, pip. >were Lord Robert ALL: Huh? >and Lady Katherine ALL: Wha? >hosted a grand medieval tournament. CROW: Verily, base knave. >Surprisingly, it was Sir Justin, (ALL laugh) >of the house of Stewart, who won the day, ALL: Justin? >in honor of his fallen friends TJ, Carlos, and Cassie. > > May MIKE: Spider-Man's aunt? >was a exciting month for the Rangers. ALL: (singing) It's May, it's May, the lusty month of May. >Justin graduated high school, SERVO: Just barely. >and announced he would be attending M.I.T. in the fall. CROW: They've lowered their standards. >Kim, ALL: Shwing! >Kat, ALL: Shwing! >Aisha, and Tanya MIKE: Oh, them. >used Adam and Tanya's recording studio to record an album in tribute to the >fallen Rangers. SERVO: Not exactly the Beatles. >The cover showed CROW: Simulated corpses of the fallen Rangers. MIKE: Dark, very dark. >the assembled Rangers, bowing their heads in MIKE: Fatigue, they were pooped. >tribute. The main performers were billed as SERVO: Ginger, Baby, Posh, and Sporty. >Pink Ranger, Zeo Ranger I, Yellow Ninja Ranger, and Zeo Ranger II, CROW: How original. >to keep their true identities secret. MIKE: Did they disguise their voices so their friends and families wouldn't recognize them? >The most popular cut was SERVO: Trouble. by Shampoo. >Kim's stirring solo, Down the Road, the song she originally wrote for Tommy CROW: When she was having an affair with him. >when he lost the Green Ranger powers. MIKE: No big loss, he got the White powers. SERVO: Which means he got Saba. (ALL shudder) >It was made even more stirring, thanks to Brian's SERVO: Subliminal message implanted in the song. >violin accompaniment. CROW: Nothing quite as moving as a violin, except Ex-Lax. MIKE: Crow! >Two of the songs on the album had been written by Cassie, ALL: Noooo! >just three weeks before her presumed demise. MIKE: Presumed? Does that mean Phantom saved her and it wasn't the logs being ejected. SERVO: No, it means Goldy should have used alleged. >The album went SERVO: Belly up! >gold with a week, and by the time Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >got married, ALL: Noooooooooo! >it was CROW: The least purchased album in history. >a double platinum. All proceeds from the album MIKE: Filled Brian's pockets. >was divided between TJ, Cassie, and Carlos' families, SERVO: What about Andros? >and the Angel Grove Reconstruction Fund. CROW: Which gets emptied four or five times a week. >A platinum copy of the album MIKE: Was stolen by the Phantom Ranger. >became the centerpiece of Angel Grove's new Ranger Museum. > > Finally, (ALL give a sigh of relief) >we return to where we opened, Bart and Ashley's ALL: Yahoo! >wedding day. (ALL sob) >All the guests were seated, SERVO: Except us. >and a wonderful string quartet CROW: How quaint. >provided music for the celebration. MIKE: As opposed to Crash and the Creeps. >Bart has selected Brian as his best man, SERVO: Since TJ and Carlos aren't available. >with Bart and Justin as groomsmen. CROW: Why Justin and not, oh, maybe, Adam, or Rocky, or Tommy, or... >Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >chose Kim ALL: Hubba hubba. >as matron of honor, with Kat ALL: Hominahominahomina. >and Tanya as bridesmaids. MIKE: Can a married woman be called a bridesmaid? >Judge SERVO: Dredd? >Timothy Stone, Lt Stone's uncle, CROW: Say uncle! >presided over the MIKE: Trial of The People vs Gold Astro Ranger. >ceremonies. Soon, the procession began. SERVO: To the old hanging tree. >First came Kimberly Katherine Crowmeowme, CROW: Remember her from The Last Best Hope? MIKE: I'm guessing she's the child Kim is currently carrying? >the two-year old daughter of Brian and Kim, SERVO: Good guess, Mike. >who was selected as flower girl. CROW: So who's the flour girl? SERVO: Oh, Crow. >Then, five year old Willy ALL: Mays? >and two year old Alfred, ALL: The butler? >cousins who were co-ring bearers. MIKE: I was a ring bearer at my sister's wedding. Of course, I was 18 at the time. >Then, Tanya, Kat ALL: Shwing! >and Kim ALL: Shwing! >marched down the aisle. SERVO: They goose-stepped actually. >Finally, the quartet began that most awaited song CROW: SenSurround? >as Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >and her father appeared at the end of the aisle. MIKE: Aisle 7C at Toys R Us. >Ashley was a vision in white, SERVO: Oh, the rebuilt Vision. >with just a few hints of yellow. ALL: Naturally. >Her bouquet was composed of yellow flowers, CROW: (sarcastic) How surprising. >including roses. MIKE: Are those from Texas? >On her finger, the 14-k diamond SERVO: Big rock. >engagement ring Bart had hand-made for her. CROW: Oh, puh-lease! >As he gave his daughter to her beloved, MIKE: Me. (BOTS sit silently) MIKE: Aren't you going to moan? CROW: Nope. MIKE: Why not? SERVO: Because you were expecting it. >Mr Hammond told Bart, SERVO: (as Mr Hammond) I will kill you! >"Take good care of my little girl." "I will sir," Bart replied. > > Before the ceremony began, CROW: Ashley had a quick fling with both Bulk and Skull. >a moment of silence for those who gave their lives saving the earth was >done, MIKE: Stick a fork in it to make sure. >at the bride and groom's request. SERVO: So, they've got pay-per-view? >Then, Judge Stone began the CROW: Arraignment of the Crowmeowme males. >ceremony. It was a wonderful ceremony, MIKE: Except for the fact that I'm not a part of it. (BOTS are eerily silent.) >with bride and groom exchanging SERVO: Left hooks and right crosses. >their personalized vows. Bart made both wedding bands, using the CROW: Cheapest materials on the planet. >purest gold to make the twin circles. ALL: (singing) Twin circles of life. >The ceremony lasted half and hour, MIKE: Half what and hour? >with rose petal being thrown SERVO: Just one petal? Cheapskates. >at the newlyweds as they ran up the aisle. CROW: They're on Supermarket Sweep? >Within fifteen minutes, MIKE: The marriage broke up. >the reception began in the main ballroom. SERVO: Of Chuck E Cheese's. >Bart's special lasagna, which was Ashley's favorite, was CROW: Laced with a potent aphrodisiac to improve the wedding night. >among the dinner choices for the guests. MIKE: Along with hog slop and cow's cud. >Brian and Bob (ALL yawn broadly.) >had made an elaborate cake, which SERVO: Was quickly turned into a food fight projectile. >ushers Bulk and Skull ALL: Uh-oh! >were allowed nowhere near ALL: Whew! >until after it had been cut. CROW: Like a deck of cards. >Soon, the time for the first dance came. MIKE: The Hokey Pokey. >As was Crowmeowme tradition, a song from a Disney movie SERVO: Mary Poppins? MIKE: 20000 Leagues Under The Sea? CROW: Pretty Woman? >was chosen as the newlywed couple's "song". CROW: As opposed to some sickening love song not written for a Disney movie. >Brian and Kim had chosen MIKE: Someday My Prince Will Come. >Elton John's SERVO: I Just Can't Wait To Be King. >"Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from The Lion King. ALL: Hakuna Matata. >Bob and Kat used CROW: I've Got No Strings. >"A Whole New World", from Aladdin. MIKE: I would have chosen Prince Ali. >For Bart and Ashley, ALL: Yahoo! >"Someday" ALL: Huh? >from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. ALL: Oh. > > After the reception, Mr and Mrs Bartholomew Crowmeowme ALL: Noooooo! >made their way to ALL: San Jose. >the estate's SERVO: Mausoleum. >guest house, once occupied by Tanya, for a private wedding night. CROW: All right. (Makes Wakachicka sounds) >That night, Bart injected Ashley with MIKE: Love Potion #10. >the same potion Brain and Bob had injected into SERVO: Justin, trying to get rid of him. >Kim and Kat, the immortality potion. CROW: Wish I had some of that. MIKE: You're a robot, you don't need it. CROW: Oh yeah! >With that, Ashley's longevity would be assured. MIKE: If only Bart's were questionable? >In a week, SERVO: Divorce papers were filed. >after celebrating Alfred's third birthday, CROW: During the MTV Movie Awards? >Bob and Kat's fourth anniversary, MIKE: Must have been an eternity to Kat. >and Brian and Kim's sixth anniversary, SERVO: Same thing for Kim. >the newlyweds would depart for CROW: Hopefully, The Satellite of Love. >a month-long European honeymoon. MIKE: Long honeymoon. BOTS: Too long. >They would travel to New York SERVO: That's not in Europe. >on the family's private jet. ALL: Ooooh. >From there, they would fly the Concorde ALL: Ahhh! >to London. After London, they would take a car CROW: What kind of car? >from Bob and Kat's castle MIKE: Must be a good one, unless Bob's a cheapskate. >on a ferry to Paris. SERVO: Paris, Texas, that is. >From Paris, they would drive to Vienna, CROW: Love those sausages. >Berlin, MIKE: To rebuild the wall. >Madrid, ALL: Ole! >Rome, SERVO: A Roman Holiday? >and finally, Athens. CROW: Maybe they'll run into Hercules and Xena? >From Athens, the car would be sent MIKE: On a one-way trip into the Mediterranean. >back to London via air freight, SERVO: The plane crashed somewhere over France. >while Bart and Ashley ALL: Yahoo! >would meet a cruise ship CROW: The Loooooove Boat. >that would take them back to ALL: The Future! >California. The honeymoon would be the perfect start to a perfect marriage >which would last for centuries. SERVO: Much like this story. >And they lived happily ever after. > ALL: Finally [Door Sequence] [Bridge] MIKE: Thank goodness it's finally over. BOTS: Yeah. SERVO: On the plus side, it did have a lot of Ashley. MIKE & CROW: Yeah! CROW: On the other hand, it had waaaaay too much Bart. MIKE & SERVO: Too true. MIKE: I hope we never see another Crowmeowme again. [W.M.O.D.] PEARL: Well then, just for that, I'm going to slip a Crowmeowme into everything I send you for the next year. [S.O.L.] (Voice-over only) (ALL scream in agony and terror) [W.M.O.D.] PEARL, BOBO, and OBSERVER: Wimps! [Fade to black] [Closing Credits] Mystery Science Theater 3000, MST3K, and related items are the property of BBI. This MSTing is Copyright (C) 1998, rowark. No Robots were harmed in the writing of this MSTing. Keep Circulating the Hard Copies. A special thank you to alt.fan.power-rangers, the authors of The Declaration of Independence, and the Post Cereal Company, whose Cocoa Pebbles gave me that daily burst of energy to write the words you've just read. Stinger- "Nocturne had stripped her down to her undergarments."