(We open on a blank stage, and I do mean blank. As in, lack of flooring blank. Nothing there but- well, nothing. Think of the opening to "Duck Amuck.")
DECA: (Voice-over, of course) A thousand years ago, a space colony was attacked by the forces of the evil Negaverse, and their mistress, Queen Specter.
(Dark Specter appears, wearing a slinky dress and a bad red wig. He aims a red glare at the screen.)
Specter: I am going to get you for this, human. Learn to sleep with one eye open.
DECA: During the fight, the colony was destroyed, and its children sent to be reincarnated in the future. Now, in our day and age, the Negaverse has re-emerged, and five special young people have been chosen to fight it. Their leader is the former Princess Karone, also known as Sailor KO-35.
(Karone jumps on stage, her blond hair done up in meatballs and dressed in a sailor suit with a short skirt.)
Karone: I am Sailor KO-35, champion of Justice! And in the name of my colony, I'll punish you!
(She attempts to pose, and falls over her own feet.)
DECA: Karone is guided by her guardian cat, the reincarnated spirit of her brother, Andros.
(A cat with strange striped fur walks on stage)
Andros: I am going to KILL this writer.
Specter: Stand in line.
Andros: Sailor KO-35, you must get up! And stop WHINING!
Karone: Oh, like you're one to talk, skunk-boy.
DECA: AHEM! Sailor KO-35 is also aided by her protector and destined love, Tuxcliptor Mask!
(Guitar Solo. Suddenly the solo halts as the sound of crashing wood is heard, and Ecliptor strolls on screen, wearing a top hat and white mask, along with his usual cape.)
Ecliptor: MUCH better… Ahem. Believe in yourself, Sailor KO-35, and you can destroy the Power Rangers- er, I mean the monster!
Karone: OOOH, what a hunk!
Andros: Hold on a second. Is this Japanese Sailor Moon, or American?
Author: We're actually switching between the continuities pretty liberally.
Andros: Okay, I get it.
DECA: Also joining Karone in her battle are the other four Sailor Senshi!
Sailor Mars, Sailor Venus, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Mercury!
(Cassie and Ashley walk on stage, dressed as Mars and Venus respectively.)
TJ: (muffled, offstage) I'm not gonna do it!
Cassie: Aw, come on, Teej. Be a good sport.
Carlos: (also offstage) No! We'll be laughed out of the galaxy!
(Ashley walks back offstage, hauls two boys in. TJ is wearing a Sailor Mercury uniform, while Carlos is Sailor Jupiter, complete with ponytail.)
TJ: (looks at author) I hate you.
Author: Now, really, TJ, you have such nice legs.
(A building shimmers into being behind them. Zhane comes out, dressed in his Megaship uniform with an apron over it and a broom in one hand.) DECA: This is Zhane. He works at the arcade where the Senshi often meet.
Carlos: (Looks at script) "Ooh! He looks just like my old-" Hey, I'm not reading that!
Zhane: It's okay, Carlos, I already have a girlfriend.
Carlos: Why I oughta-
TJ: And you wonder why they cast you as Jupiter?
DECA: Getting back to the story, these five (and sometimes six) warriors fight off the attacks of the evil Queen Specter and her Psycho Generals.
(Dark Specter is on a cell phone, putting a contract out on the author.)
Carlos, TJ, and Andros: Put us down for that!
(Five Psycho Generals appear, wearing weird tunic uniforms in five colors, and strange helmets)
Psycho Red: I am General Redite!
Psycho Black: I am General Blackite- and I'm NOT going to date Naru!
Psycho Pink: I am General Pinkicite!
Psycho Yellow: I am General Yellowicite! Blunzite is MINE, witch!
Psycho Pink: As if!
Psycho Blue: I am General Blunzite, and there's enough of me to go around.
Psycho Pink, Yellow: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!
Karone: I thought there were only four Negaverse Generals.
Psycho Yellow: There were, so we kind of had to double up on the Zoicite role.
Psycho Red: ANYWAY, I am going to destroy you Senshi, so I summon Darkondite!
Ecliptor: Oh, good.
(Darkonda appears. However, since he is a Sailor Moon Monster of the Day now, he's in drag.)
Darkonda: I'm going-
All: We know, you're going to kill the author.
Darkonda: Well, no, I was going to say that I was going to give RuPaul a run for his money.
Darkonda: But first, I'll destroy you Sailor Scouts!
Psycho Red: Uh, Darkonda? (whispers in his ear)
Darkonda: Oh. I mean Senshi, sorry.
Karone: WAHHH! I'm scared!
Ecliptor: Stop that! I'm made of crystal, I'll shatter!
TJ: Let's get him, guys! Shabon AXE!
(An axe comes out of nowhere and hits Darkonda. Since it's soap, he just gets really clean, then slips and falls.)
Cassie: Satellite SOUL!
(The Satellite of Love falls on Darkonda)
Mike Nelson: Sorry…
Crow: Gypsy is never gonna let you steer again, Mike.
Ashley: Star BEAM!
(A light shines in Darkonda's eyes, blinding him.)
Carlos: What is WITH these attacks? Lunar THUNDER!
TJ: No air on the moon.
Karone: And I'll finish it, since I've suddenly grown a backbone! Wrath FRISBEE!
(She detaches the top from her Wrath Staff and throws it at Darkonda. It slices through him, and he turns into a pile of dust, which then explodes. All present begin coughing)
Ashley: Man, I'm glad that's over with.
Author: Are you guys kidding! We have five more seasons to go! Guys? Guys! Put those down!
(Screen fades to black)
Author's note: Okay, for those of you who are wondering about some of the stuff in here, first, go find a Sailor Moon site and get a working knowledge of the program. Back? Good. Now, the Psycho Rangers are (North American name/Japanese name):
Fans of the show will note that I based most of my jokes on the Japanese names, while a lot of the other jokes were based more on the dub… That's because I've pretty much only seen the DIC dub, but the Japanese names fit better. Go figure. The Senshi's attacks, which I combined with the Astro Rangers' weapons, are from the first season, Japanese version.
Mercury: Shabon Spray! (Shabon basically means soap bubbles, hence the axe being soap.)
Mars: Fire Soul!
Venus: Crescent Beam!
Jupiter: Supreme Thunder!
Moon: Moon Frisbee!
And yes, I know the Lunar Thunder was lame. So sue me. :) Thanks to Chris Funaro, who sowed the seeds of this in an e-mail.