SPOILERS: BIOGENESIS- PRE SEVENTH SEASON
RATING: PG. (JUST BECAUSE OF A QUOTE AT THE BEGINNING THOUGH.)
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SUMMERY: Mulderís home recovering from his illness. But the repercussions from the artifact and what was found in Africa lead both Mulder and Scully to a realization that could change the way they look at things forever.
"Drug abusers, homosexuals, alcoholics, atheists, agnostics, prostitutes, adulterers- all are searching for the force that pulls at their hearts. And the answer to all our questions and all our needs lies in the hand that shaped the mountains and hung the stars, the very hand that formed our bodies- the hand of God."
The Basics of Life
Scully clicked the TV off. It was 11:30 and not a thing was on. She couldnít sleep. She didnít know why, but she just couldnít sleep. Thatís funny usually Mulder is the one who canít sleep. Err! I promised myself not to think about him. Heís fine, at home, hopefully getting some rest. It had been only two days since Mulder had been released from the hospital, after his illness. Illness; being able to read mindís due to an artifact from extra-terrestrials. That was going to be very difficult to explain to the insurance.
She wasnít sure how he was doing. Physically he was 100% well. Whatever had caused his illness appeared to be gone. Scully really wasnít sure what had caused it. But ever since he had returned to consciousness he had been very distant. And she didnít know why. She didnít really know how she was feeling with this whole thing. It went against everything she had ever believed, in science and in God.
She looked outside. It was unusually quiet tonight. Oh why not go for a walk thatís what Mulder does when he canít sleep. There I go mentioning his name again! She put on a jacket and walked out into the night.
The crisp air made her almost forget everything that had happened in the past two weeks. It was quiet and peaceful, no noise. It felt like a bit of heaven placed on earth. HeavenÖwas there really a heaven or was it just something made up for people to believe and to have faith for. She really wasnít sure anymore. Seven years ago she was so strong in her faith. Her faith in science and her faith in God. Itís amazing how less then two weeks can change everything for you. The way you look at things and the way you feel with things.
She started walking. And she walked and walked. She didnít know where she was going or what she was doing but she knew she just had to clear her head. She went up to one of the parks near her house. What was its name again? She wasnít really sure. She finally sat down on one of the benches and looked at the sky. There was something so mysterious about the night sky. She heard a rustle in the bushes and jumped. Probably just an animal Dana; youíve been hanging around Mulder way to long. There I go saying his name again! It happened again. This time much louder and it sounded closer. Someone was definitely there. She reached for her gun. The one time I forget to bring my gun with me and I may need it! She stood up and got into a semi-fighting stance. "Whoís there?" she shouted. No answer just more rustling." Answer me whoís there!"
"Scully is that you?" Answered an all too familiar voice.
She paused. No it couldnít be. He was at home in Washington D.C. But still." Mulder?"
"Yep." He came out from behind a tree." Scully what are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here, what are you doing here?"
Mulder looked confused." I went for a walk."
"Mulder youíre less than ten minutes from my house!"
Mulder paused." Ok I went out for a very long walk. What are you doing out though?"
"I couldnít sleep and Iím presuming since youíre here you couldnít either." She sat back down on the bench.
"Nope, I just couldnít sleep. Too much on my mind." He gave a soft chuckle and sat down next to her. "Get it? My mind, no one elseís."
Scully stared at him." Mulder you should be at home resting. Youíve been through a lot the past few weeks and you need some serious rest. You donít want to have a relapse."
"A relapse of what Scully? Being able to read peopleís mindís?" He joked and popped a sunflower seed in his mouth." Want one?"
Scully stared at the bag." Oh why not. Seven years I might as well try it, nothing else matters."
"What do you mean?" Mulder asked.
"Well, letís see from what I understand we come from aliens. Everything Iíve believed and known for all my life means nothing anymore. All my faith in science and God seems like nothing but a total waste of time. Has everything that scientists have lived by for the past who knows how many years nothing but falsehoods? Is everything that we believe to be the truth nothing but total lies? I feel like I should read up books about myths and legends maybe they would make more sense." Mulder was quiet. He just sat there gazing at the sky." Mulder did you hear anything I said? Mulder?"
"Ever stare at the night sky Scully?" He asked.
She looked at him," What?"
He turned and looked her in the eyes." The night sky. You know itís odd all my life Iíve been chasing little green men and longed to know what lies in those stars; yet Iíve never once just sat down and stared at them. Theyíve beautiful arenít they? They give you this mystifying feeling." He paused, "You said that everything youíve ever believed in feels like itís nothing now. Iím feeling that too."
"What are you talking about? Mulder you have the evidence you need everything you ever wanted to know, to understand has been supported. Youíve won; youíve found the truth. I know you still want to find Samantha and you will one day, but in all honesty Mulder youíve found it all. Arenít you glad for that?"
Mulder ate another seed as he mused over this. Yes everything he had been searching for had been proven; he had found the truth, he wasnít crazy like everyone said. But something was still missing, their seemed to be a hole that no matter how much he told himself he had found what he was looking for he felt empty. At first he had thought it was Samantha. The need to find her again. But as he had been walking this night, he realized that wasnít it there was still something unsettled in him, something that needed to be reevaluated. And now looking at the stars they seemed to hold something for him almost telling him where to go.
"You know Scully Iíve been searching all my life to find the truth and to know what I know now and be able to prove it. Iíve always felt this hole inside of myself. I thought that once I found the truth that hole would be filled. But for some reason it isnít. In fact I feel even more empty inside than everÖwhy is that?"
"Well thatís a question you need to ask yourself Mulder. I canít answer it for you. Everything seems all wrong. All the things I believed now seem like absolutely nothing. Iím not even sure I know what Iím doing anymore. " He didnít answer." Mulder are you paying any attention to what Iím saying?"
"Scully why do you believe in God?" He asked quietly. It almost sounded like he was afraid to ask such a question.
"What?" Scullyís eyes bugged. Mulder asking about God? He must still be sick.
"Why do you believe in God? Itís always been some sort of lifeline for you and I was just curious as to why."
Scully sat in silence for a moment wondering what to say." Well I guess I just believed at first cause thatís how I was raised. Isnít that why most people believe anything in their lives because thatís how they were raised? Now my faith has just been something I use to get me through things. Itís so hard for me cause I try to rely upon myself. But I still need that thing to hold on to and give me strength so I know Iím not alone. Make any sense?"
"Yeah, it does. Itís funny you know, just as passionate as I am to believe paranormal things I refuse to believe in God. I donít know why though. In a way thereís every reason to believe there is a God. I mean look at those stars. Of all the pictures weíve seen of the universe how could all of those things of been formed by a mere chance. It almost doesnít seem possible. And yet I look at everythingís that happened in my life and I canít believe a God could exist. After my sister was taken I prayed and prayed for her to return. She never did. Still hasnít. It seemed like God just didnít care, so I decided I wouldnít care either. Why should I care about a being that canít be bothered with me? After awhile I just began to say that God didnít exist. That we live our lives, are born struggle through the rest of life and than die. Whatever comes after that Iím not sure. I said this so much to myself I finally convinced myself of it. Sorry Iím just rattling on." He swallowed hard and turned his eyes away from, Scully. Last thing he wanted was to fall apart in front of her.
"Mulder what is this? Somethingís happened to you over the past few days. What? Youíre so distant from everyone. I know what you went through, was a trying experience, but you canít keep all those emotions caught up inside. I want to help you through this. But Iím of no help to you if you wonít talk to me. What is it?"
Mulder looked into her eyes trying to cover up how much his were misting up. What was his problem? All his life all he wanted was to find this truth that he now possessed, that this ability even though short lived had given him. And yet he felt just as empty inside as ever. As if this truth just didnít mean anything anymore. He looked at Scully and realized he just didnít have the strength inside to tell her this, he didnít want to tell her or anyone else anything, he just wanted all these mixing emotions to go away.
"You know Scully itís getting late. You should try and get some rest." He fidgeted with the lining of his coat.
"Oh no you donít. You are not going to divert the subject and try and close this conversation. Mulder I know itís hard to talk about your feelings but please. Tell me, what is it thatís bothering you? You have your proof. You have everything you wanted and youíre still not happy, in fact youíre worse than you were. Tell me whatís upsetting you I want to help you, but I canít if you wonít tell me whatís wrong."
He got up from the bench and took a few steps. He stared at the sky again. What was it about the night sky that grabbed him so? It seemed to reveal some truth that he couldnít see, but something he felt was still within his reach. He took a deep breath." I wish I knew what it was Scully. Youíre right. Iíve got it all; Iíve found all the answers to my questions. I have the truth Iíve been seeking for so long in my hands. So answer this for meÖwhy do I feel as if none of that matters? As if thereís this huge piece of the puzzle missing, and without that piece nothing else matters? I feel like something in my life is missing. Something inside that needs to be filled. And itís not finding my sister, I thought it was at first, but itís not. Itís like everything Iíve worked for and everything Iíve been laughed at and mocked at. All the hard times of fighting to have people listen. Theyíll listen to me now, and it means absolutely nothing to me. Is this making any sense?" He said facing her again.
Scully shrugged. "What can I say. I feel like nothing matters too. But I feel like everything Iíve ever believed in was flipped upside-down. You feel as if your entire quest was nothing."
"Not nothing Scully, justÖlike something in my life is missing. "He paused trying to find how to word what he was feeling," you know when youíre cooking something for dinner and you do everything that the recipe says, but you taste it when itís done and even though everyone says itís great you know deep down something is missing? Thatís what itís like for me. Like something deep down in me is missing. I mean all my life Iíve been seeking the truth right? But have I been seeking the truth I wanted or the truth I needed?"
"Mulder now youíve lost me. What do you mean "Truth you needed"? I thought the truth you needed was to find Samantha and to uncover everything you have. What do you feel is missing in your life? I think you know what it isÖbut for some reason youíre scared to admit it."
Mulder sat back on the bench with a sigh. He stared at the stars again, pondering what he felt inside. Part of him wanted to surrender to something greater than himself and yet another part of him thought he was just being brainwashed. "I was flipping through the radio stations today. I came across this station that had on some cool music. It was nice, but the song that came on after that. I swear Scully it literally stopped me in my tracks and I felt as if I couldnít move. As if some force had paralyzed me. I wasnít afraid though, I felt this peace within me. The lyrics; I know this sounds crazy but it felt like something was piercing my heart with nothing but the whole truth. I cried, it hit me so deeply. Ever since than I havenít been able to get it out of my head, I tried to divert myself but finally I just went out for a walk. And I walked and walked. I didnít know where I was going but I felt as if I was going where I was supposed to go. I ended up here." He blinked his eyes trying to hold tears back.
"Mulder, Iíve heard songs that have affected me too. Do you remember the song at all? I mean what was it about that it upset you so?" She put her hand on his shoulder.
"I have a photographic memory Scully. Even if I didnít I think I would have remembered this. The song was about how weíre all searching for something, and how the one thing that weíre really searching for is God. I know I donít believe in God. Most things like this donít bug me but for some reason this did and I donít know why. It hit me and I began to think. What if there is a God?"
"Mulder there is no God. The artifact clearly states that doesnít it? It states that the aliens gave us the Bible. There is no loving merciful God out there. Why would so much in our lives of happened if there was?"
"You know I thought about that. If the aliens placed us here and gave us the artifact, you would think if they gave us anything it would be something that would help us to survive right?"
Scully was trying to keep up with this." Yeah."
"Well you would think they would give us something with science or medicine. Something that would give us the courage to continue with our lives. So out of everything to give us they gave us the Bible, itís almost as if theyíre saying this is the key to life. This is how you survive. Believe this and youíll make it through.
"And as for whatís happened in our lives. That wasnít Godís choice that was ours. The Bible talks about free will right? Isnít that what weíve been using the past seven years? Even all the men weíve been fighting? Itís free will. If there is a God, He canít control us, we make our own mistakes that determined our lives."
Scully looked at him strangely." Ok who are you and where is Fox William Mulder? Because you look like him and act like him but you are not talking like him. You see the Fox Mulder I know has been against the very idea of a God existing ever since Iíve known him, so much so that he wouldnít even listen to me when I suggested ideas relating to God. And to hear him sitting here saying that God exists is a shock for me."
"Iím the same guy Scully. And I didnít say I believe God exists. I just think it may be more of a possibility than it used to. Thatís all. Iím not really sure what I believe anymore, itís like everything is spinning around crazily inside me. Itís like I canít control it. I donít know." He leaned forward and rubbed his face with his hands.
"Mulder did this all start with the song afternoon?"
Mulder sighed, leaving his hands over his mouth." Well Iíve been wondering about it for awhile since I woke up in the hospital, but it pretty much went full-fledged after the song."
"Well would you tell me the lyrics to the song?" She asked.
"Well Iíll tell them to you. Iím not much of a singer. Ok here goes:
" I cry for hope, I long for peace
To fill the void of reason that my
Heart can only see
There is a pull, there is a need
I see in part I search for more
I long to know the mysteries of
Why and who we are
Of what has been and whatís in
" But the hand of God is all that we
it burns within my soul to know
What lies beyond
In the hand of God, constantly it
To takes us to the place, the place
We all belong
" We all are made of flesh and bone
At times we are so fragile and at
Times we can be strong
But through it all we carry on"
Mulder paused." This part really got to me,
" We are destined from the day
We are born
To yearn for something more
"And then it just goes on and on. You get the idea though." Mulder rubbed his eyes.
Scully sat silently for a moment then," Powerful song." Mulder just nodded rubbing his eyes with his hands again. "I can see why it affected you the way it did." Scully stated. Mulder slightly nodded continuing to rub his eyes." Youíre tired."
Mulder tried to surpress a yawn." Yeah I am. I was so energetic but all of a sudden Iím tired now." He sat back against the bench. "I guess I should head home."
Scully stared at him." Not a chance!"
"Mulder itís got to be 1 a.m. Iím not going to let you walk all the way home. You need some rest. Come back to my place."
"I thought you said I need some rest?" He joked.
Oh yeah heís fine. She mused. "Come-on letís walk back."
The two headed back to her place in silence. As they walked up the steps Scully finally broke deafening silence," Mulder, do you really think God exists? I mean just from hearing one song your going to believe it? It takes more for me."
Mulder was quiet." I know that Scully. Iím not sure what I believeÖbut I know one thing." He turned and looked back at the stars.
He pointed to the stars," Whoever made those saw something that we couldnít. And I think whoever made those is the key to everything, to this world, and to this life." With that he went inside, no longer afraid to except the truth.