I held the knife in my hand. It had the most beautiful silver tint of anything I've ever seen. It felt weightless in my shaking hand. I glanced at it, then let out a small shriek as the bedroom door creaked opened. I quickly put my arm behind my back and glanced over at the pure white painted door. It was Andros.
"Hmm?" I knew my voice would come out shaking if I spoke long words, so I hoped the one-word answers would work. I didn't want him to detect the fear I felt. The fear that had been growing for so long. When his eyes weren't on me, I slipped my knife beneath the pillow that sat near me.
"Are you okay? We're leaving in ten minutes." His smile turned genuine and I smiled back, hesitantly at first. 'We' were going to a banquet. Finally, his dream had become a reality. He'd mastered the world and saved hundreds of people from death. A true hero. The powerful Red Ranger.
I nodded, slightly unsure myself if I was okay. "Yeah. I am." I managed to get out.
He gazed at me for several seconds. He face-faltered. "Okay.. See you in a bit, then..." He turned to leave. I knew if I didn't do this now, I'd lose my chance. Forever.
"Hey, Andros?" He turned back at me, his beautiful brown eyes boring into my teal green-blue ones. I smiled lop-sided and approached him... Before he could say a word to me, I kissed him lightly. The kiss deepened and finally we both had to pull away due to lack of breath. He stared at me in a perplexed look. I knew he felt it. I was saying my goodbyes. In a last kiss.
"Are you okay?" He asked quizzically. I nodded.
"I love you."
He smiled, and kissed me again, softly. "I... Love you too."
I smiled softly. I glanced at my watch, "You better go on out there. I'll be there in one second." He grinned and nodded. I kissed him softly once more and shooed him out of the room.
He left and I watched the door close tightly behind him. I grabbed my journal from my desk and opened it to a fresh page...
February 13, 2000
I'm... Sorry. I can't hold on anymore. I love him. I really do. But life isn't worth living anymore. Not for me. My time is over. Don't give me those looks! I'm serious. It's just complicated I guess for you to understand. I just can't go through life anymore as the person people whisper about when they think I'm not paying attention. Or the person the jocks spread stories about sleeping around with. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt. HAH! Lies, all lies. I'm just sick of it. I thought being the Yellow Ranger would change my life around... But no. It gave the idiots more reasons to spread stories...
Can you believe it? Aaron (Remember that idiot football player I went on and on about a month ago in my journal? The cute one with the tight.. *ahem*) actually went and told the whole damn football team that Carlos and I were messing around. That was about the time Andros showed up. Carlos and I are just friends, that's what it always was... But people love taking all those times we went to fight as sneaking away to 'play.' Idiots.
Then, when we were found out by the public who the Power Rangers were... Oh. My. God. I've never felt as low as I did after the smoke cleared and the truth finally sunk in. I wasn't the only effected by this part, but geez...
What a powerful feeling and word. Family, teachers, friends... Nothing has been the same since then. Even my own father keeps extra tabs on me. He actually had a security camera set up in each room...
'How can you expect us to trust you?' He'd questioned. 'You have been lying and decieving us constantly for the past two to three years. Maybe even longer.'
It's true, though. How CAN anyone trust us? Lies.... The past two or three generations of Power Rangers have done the same thing...
I stopped writing. I had nothing more to say. If they wanted more when they found this, they can just read the past two years of entries.
I stood up and left my room, joining my friends in one last night of 'happiness.' Maybe it would change my mind about what I wanted to do. Keyword: Maybe.
I trudged into my room, many hours later that night. I was so glad to see it. I was right, it was one last night of happiness. But it wasn't enough to get me to stay here. I wanted out, free from pain and confusion. I walked to my neatly made bed and slipped my hand beneath the pillow.
I slowly fingered the silver blade. I pulled it out, staring again its the silver beauty. I smiled and I gently traced my finger along it's edge. Carefully, and slowly, I brought it's edge to my arm, slitting it slowly and watched as I began to bleed. What a... Peaceful feeling. I glanced at the door in half fear, expecting Andros or someone else to rush in and stop me, but no one did. I smiled contently as it continued the cycle of blood flow from an open wound.
An hour later, I began to feel lightheaded, like I wasn't completely here. I knew soon, I would be gone. It was a peaceful way to die. So many times I felt like I was going to die in the Megazord in battle after battle. Battles with Ecliptor and Darkonda flashed through my mind, as did my many encounters with Astronema. I gasped out lightly, a hand going to my head. It was growing darker. It was painful, just a rushed feeling. Like the first time I held the power inside me.
I slowly moved to my bed and laid down. I felt so tired. It had come on suddenly.
I closed my eyes, then bolted up right. What was I doing? I couldn't kill myself! I glanced to my arm, to the floor, to the desk. All covered in blood. My mind flashed to that kiss I had shared with Andros earlier that evening. My dying was going to pratically kill him. I faltered, but then I thought back to all those painful months. Years of not fitting in. Being used. I was now distrusted by family and friends. Was life worth that misery? No, I decided at once. I glanced at the door, my eyes were starting to darken, the world slanted and spinning in circles. I laid against my pillows, my eyes closing tightly shut. The last four words I whispered were "I love you Andros."