Questions of the Spice Club
by : Crypt

Jenny: Hi. I'm Tonfa Spice, but you can call me Jenny. I'm here to tell you about my life before I became the Spice Club leader and my......existence as the Spice Club leader.

I was born on January 23, 1981. I still say I'm sixteen years old because I'm "dead" and thus I don't age anymore. If I were a live, normal kid, I'd really be seventeen.

I was a really good kid in elementary school. In fifth and sixth grade, I was always raising my hand, especially during math. But alas, starting in the third grade, the other kids began to pick on me. They kept teasing me about how tall and skinny I was, calling me names such as "Daddy Longlegs" or "Jolly Green Giant." As the years went by, the teasing increased and my number of friends decreased. My sinking self-confidence became obvious when I had an overwhelming fear of going to middle school.

I was so sick of being picked on when I went to seventh grade, I just quit talking to people. Still, they picked on me. The girls kept ganging up on me by the locker room. People were spreading rumors about how "evil" I was. Truth is, I was never evil at all.

It was even worse in the eighth grade. This group of girls kept threatening to kick my ass. I could never find the time to get help, and my teachers just didn't give a shit.

Fortunately, just before Thanksgiving, I left that hellish school and moved to Angel Grove. I was relieved to go to a different school where nobody knew me. I was still skeptical about talking to people, however. Even Angel Grove had its bad people, and I was once again their first target.

Ninth grade: I've had it! School was becoming much too tormenting for me, so I dropped out. That happened after a choir performance I had one night where the car accident occurred. Horrified to find my mother dead, I ran away. As I ran, I got lost in a graveyard and fell through a trapdoor. I soon found out that the Cryptkeeper activated that door as I stood on it. You will not believe how terrified I was of this guy! However, he was quite friendly. He liked me and took good care of me. He even claimed to be in love with me! As I got to know him better, I started to like him. I even began to think he was cute.

The Cryptkeeper and I had something in common. He was disrespected because he looked different, like a rotting zombie. I knew better than to judge people by their looks, no matter how bizarre they may be. I knew that most "good-looking" people were practically evil.

C.K. found it horrifying that I was never truly respected as a human being. We decided that it would be a good idea to gather all "misfits" together. C.K. told me of a long-lost friend that he had, named Spinal. We gathered many new friends: Marvin, Bat Blastigun, Cammy, and my sister Hallie. We committed suicide by allowing our bodies to be possessed by demons.

And now we were doomed to walk the Earth for eternity. Still, more suicidals joined us, including Spinal. The spirits which had possessed us had given us special powers. We were to become a fighting team to fight against evil monsters bent on destroying the Earth, and I would be their leader.

My misfit characteristics came out as we fought. For example, I found many of our arch-enemies attractive, including Lord Zedd, Rito Revolto, Prince Gasket, Elgar, General Havoc, Ecliptor, and Darkonda. I was shocked with Elgar fell in love with me, and I soon found out that I loved him, too. Then Darkonda started talking sweet to me, which I can't interpret at all.

Another odd characteristic is simply my family. I don't know which is worse --- having my father killed by a Power Ranger who was deemed "The Greatest Intergalactic Defender of All Time," or suddenly finding out that my mother was actually deemed "Queen of All Evil."

So I can't say that being a Spice Club member means total paradise. If you really think about it, it's actually a curse! But as long as we have each other and have fun together, we'll survive. 'Til all hell freezes over, I remain Tonfa Spice, defender of the universe (and daughter of the Queen of Evil).

* * *

The Cryptkeeper: Greetings, fright fans! You know me, your old pal the Cryptkeeper! My Spice name is Zombie Spice. The name suits me well, don't you think? I started out as a child, like most of us. I don't remember my exact birthdate, but my parents were misfits, just like me. My dad was a two-faced man. No, I'm serious; my dad actually had two faces! Anyway, my mommy was a mummy. Get it? I was always into blood and guts for some odd reason, so I was pretty spoiled from the start.

After I died for the first time, I became a popular TV show host. Perhaps you've heard of the show entitled "Tales from the Crypt." I loved scaring my audience with my terror tales! But of course, all things have to come to an end. I eventually ran out of tales to tell, and once people have heard them all, it was all over.

My death was really spiced up on the night I met Jenny. I was just sitting in my crypt practically doing nothing when I glanced into my crystal ball and saw this girl wandering around right above me. She looked like she needed help, so I brought her down. I had to use the trap door because I was afraid that she'd run if I approached her personally. As I predicted, she was afraid of me, but I took care of her. Together, we made new friends, people like us who just wanted to end it all.

Being a Spice Club member is great; I love being cursed. I find fighting monsters really fun. With Elgar falling in love with Jenny, I decided not to intervene. Believe me, she handled it pretty well on her own. There's so much love involved, I don't know why we're fighting these guys in the first place. Well, until next time kiddies, I'm the Cryptkeeper! So long!

* * *

Spinal: Hello, all you happy people. I'm Spinal Spice, but my friends just call me Spinal. I'd like to give a little insight on my personal history. Just like the majority of the other Spices' lives, mine wasn't too pleasant.

Let's see. I can't even remember my life as a normal human being. Any memories I do have are much too vague to talk about. So that's pretty much down the drain.

I do know that I was resurrected by a powerful warlord about 2,000 years ago. I was to serve as one of his minions. To be honest, I hated that guy! I was supposed to be dead; I was supposed to be resting in peace, and he spoiled everything! I did have one partner back then; he was a vicious cyborg. He picked on me all the time. He tied me up and did something either painful or humiliating to me. I couldn't take this anymore, so I fought in this tournament to win my freedom. It was a close call, but I finally succeeded. I thought it was the perfect path, but I was wrong. What was I to do now that the evil warlord was destroyed? I had no idea. I started by contacting my ancestors for guidance, but they were of no help to me. I had no choice but to resign myself to an eternity alone and without purpose.

As I spent those two millennia wandering the Earth, I met the Cryptkeeper, whom I could really relate to. He and I became the best of friends, but we were both travelers. We had to go our separate ways, but we promised to write each other. However, somewhere along the way, we both moved simultaneously, so we lost touch with each other. I was once again alone.

I guess I can tell you how I came across the Spice Club. After I lost contact with the Cryptkeeper, I searched for him for 500 years. While I was searching, I happened across the Spices' home, Hull House. Of course, I didn't realize that anyone lived there, so I walked right on in. Thinking I was an enemy, Jenny attacked me at first sight. Luckily, the Cryptkeeper broke us up. I was excited to see him!! He immediately pleaded with Jenny to let me join the group. At least it was how we could stay together and it was a great way for me to make new friends. I really didn't expect C.C. to fall in love with me, though. She's a little energetic, but at least she approached slowly and made me feel comfortable.

I'll have to admit that I get a little tense when the going gets tough. But Jenny couldn't be a better leader. She told me that she doesn't want a warrior who doesn't get scared. I told her, "Then I'm your warrior." Besides, the other Spices tell me that my fear makes me cute. I never try to be cute, but I just can't help it.

Nowadays, I get really insane because Astronema, the Queen of Evil, seems to have fallen in love with me. I hate the whole concept. She'll stop at nothing to get her dirty black hands on me! I was also very shocked to learn that Astronema was actually Jenny's mother. But when I looked into it, I realized that Jenny behaved like Astronema in many ways.

Yes, you'll also find that I sleep a lot. It's not necessarily because I'm lazy. But when you've been walking around on your tootsie-wootsies for 2,000 years, you're bound to be pretty tired, don't you think? Besides, I'm supposed to be dead, or as some people call it, laid to rest, resting in peace. You know, key word --- rest. By resurrecting me, the warlord has denied me the peace of eternal sleep, so I need my naps.

Since I don't recall my fleshy life, I don't recall ever going to school either. I was six and a half centuries old before I was resurrected, so I don't even know if schools existed back then. How did I learn to write this autobiography, you may wonder? Well, the Cryptkeeper was nice enough to teach me. Wasn't that nice of him? I have no idea how he learned to read and write.

Right now, I feel attached to the other Spice Club members. As Jenny said, it's actually a curse, but at least they don't tie me up and put oatmeal, brown sugar, nuts, raisins, bread crumbs and bird seed all over me, then feed me to the crows. I don't know why Jenny was picked on all her life. She knows better that to judge a book by its cover, although she thoroughly dislikes reading. Still, she respects people no matter what they look like. I think she and C.K. had a great idea by gathering misfits together; I was definitely a misfit. Well, 'til the end of time, I am Spinal Spice.

* * *

Q: Why would you have wanted to kill yourself?

Jenny replies: The pain was too unbearable. If you recall in the fanfic "What is Love?", I told Elgar my life story. Truth is, I was never respected as a human being, so I decided that I had to stop being... a human being. The other human Spices have suffered pretty much the same fate for some unknown reason. The nonhuman Spices, well, they just didn't belong on Earth, but they didn't want to leave, either. They wanted to kill themselves because they were all feared and hated although they were never evil. However, when we did kill ourselves, we weren't expecting to be brought back as demons. Now we continue to be abused by Astronema and her minions.

* * *

Q: Do you really like Ecliptor or are you just trying to annoy him? And does Ecliptor have other flavors (besides licorice)?

Hallie replies: No, I really like Ecliptor. How could you ignore such a shiny, creepy, masculine body? And those blood-red eyes, whoo! And let's not forget about his voice, and definitely his evil laugh! Mmm-mmm! But I also like to annoy him. We Spices love making fools of ourselves in front of bad guys. It conceals our strength better. They'll be thinking, "Ah, those guys are a bunch of stupid idiots; we could destroy them just by breathing on them." As for flavor, I don't think the Candyman has any other flavors besides licorice. At least I haven't tasted any. He might have mint on those green lines, but I'm not sure. And his right arm looks like a really thick Twizzler, which again has the licorice flavor.

* * *

Q: If I (for some reason) get kidnapped by Astronema, what should I do?

Jenny replies: Oooh, that is a tough one. If you get kidnapped by Astronema, you could do what every other kidnapped civilian has done --- just sit there until the Power Rangers come to your rescue. And you could try to outsmart whoever's guarding you, but there's really no point unless you're a good fighter and have the courage to escape. Besides, Astronema really has no reason to kidnap you unless you hang out with the Rangers a lot.

* * *

Q: Who do you admire the most: Elgar or Darkonda?

Jenny replies: Oh gosh.......I really don't know. I like Elgar because his......ahem.....his "lack of intelligence" helps his sense of humor. I like Darkonda because he has a nasty charm. I LOVE nasty charms. :-P

The End... for now